Gateshead Mencap Society

Coffee Morning
By Ace Reporter Ivan Inkling

Our recent coffee morning was a tremendous success. Before the doors were opened at 10 o'clock people had been queuing in their ones. Mrs. Lucy Lastic was standing knitting when her close enemy Annette Kurtain arrived. They argued for a full quarter of an hour before they realized the doors were open. Then at once they made a dart for the door but both being wider than the average lady they managed to wedge themselves in the doorway.

Sadly one of Lucy's knitting needles was later found in Annette's nether region. Annette, feeling that the incident was not entirely accidental, ordered a very hot cup of coffee which she immediately threw over Lucy. Unfortunately Sue Ridgepipe got in the way and was drenched in the hot coffee. She let out such a yell that old Arthur Writus collapsed with shock. When the paramedic, Avery Nicemann, checked him over he was pronounced dead of a suspected coronary. This was our first fatality of the day.
By now a huge crowd had gathered as they do when there are serious accidents. The police were called but you can never find one when you need one. Meanwhile Sue, after drying herself down, sought her revenge on Annette. She went to the cake stall and bought a huge Victoria Sponge which she hurled at Annette with all her might. Well Sue's eyesight wasn't so good and the cake landed smack in the gob of Gordon Knome. Gordon let fly with his walking stick which went clean through Annette's left leg. Avery Nicemann was still there and administered an elastoplast. Poor old Gordon wasn't so lucky as he choked on the Victoria Sponge. He was our second fatality of the day.

Annette knew that Sue Ridgepipe caused the accident so she invited her to the ladies to settle their differences. Once inside Annette gave one massive swing of her handbag but Sue ducked out of the way and Annette went flying through the window. Constable Colin Allcars was just arriving on his bicycle when he saw Annette impaled on the railings outside. By now she had so many holes in her you could see right through Annette Kurtain. She did not survive the incident and became our third fatality of the day.

Everyone who was there said they enjoyed the event very much but it was not as good as last time when there were seven fatalities and nine serious injuries.