recent coffee morning was a tremendous success. Before the doors
were opened at 10 o'clock people had been queuing in their ones.
Mrs. Lucy Lastic was standing knitting when her close enemy
Annette Kurtain arrived. They argued for a full quarter of an
hour before they realized the doors were open. Then at once
they made a dart for the door but both being wider than the
average lady they managed to wedge themselves in the doorway.
one of Lucy's knitting needles was later found in Annette's
nether region. Annette, feeling that the incident was not entirely
accidental, ordered a very hot cup of coffee which she immediately
threw over Lucy. Unfortunately Sue Ridgepipe got in the way
and was drenched in the hot coffee. She let out such a yell
that old Arthur Writus collapsed with shock. When the paramedic,
Avery Nicemann, checked him over he was pronounced dead of a
suspected coronary. This was our first fatality of the day.
now a huge crowd had gathered as they do when there are serious
accidents. The police were called but you can never find one
when you need one. Meanwhile Sue, after drying herself down,
sought her revenge on Annette.
She went to the cake stall and bought a huge Victoria Sponge
which she hurled at Annette with all her might. Well Sue's eyesight
wasn't so good and the cake landed smack in the gob of Gordon
Knome. Gordon let fly with his walking stick which went clean
through Annette's left leg. Avery Nicemann was still there and
administered an elastoplast. Poor old Gordon wasn't so lucky
as he choked on the Victoria Sponge. He was our second fatality
of the day.
knew that Sue Ridgepipe caused the accident so she invited her
to the ladies to settle their differences. Once inside Annette
gave one massive swing of her handbag but Sue ducked out of
the way and Annette went flying through the window. Constable
Colin Allcars was just arriving on his bicycle when he saw Annette
impaled on the railings outside. By now she had so many holes
in her you could see right through Annette Kurtain. She did
not survive the incident and became our third fatality of the
who was there said they enjoyed the event very much but it was
not as good as last time when there were seven fatalities and
nine serious injuries.