recent coffee morning was a tremendous success. Before
the doors were opened at 10 o'clock people had been
queuing in their ones. Mrs. Lucy Lastic was standing
knitting when her close enemy Annette
Kurtain arrived. They argued for a full quarter of
an hour before they realized the doors were open.
Then at once they made a dart for the door but both
being wider than the average lady they managed to
wedge themselves in the doorway. Sadly one of Lucy's
knitting needles was later found in Annette's nether
region. Annette, feeling that the incident was not
entirely accidental, ordered a very hot cup of coffee
which she immediately threw over Lucy. Unfortunately
Sue Ridgepipe got in the way and was drenched in the
hot coffee. She let out such a yell that old Arthur
Writus collapsed with shock. When the paramedic, Avery
Nicemann, checked him over he was pronounced dead
of a suspected coronary. This was our first fatality
of the day.
now a huge crowd had gathered as they do when there
are serious accidents. The police were called but
you can never find one when you need one. Meanwhile
Sue, after drying herself down, sought her revenge
She went to the cake stall and bought a huge Victoria
Sponge which she hurled at Annette with all her might.
Well Sue's eyesight wasn't so good and the cake landed
smack in the gob of Gordon Knome. Gordon let fly with
his walking stick which went clean through Annette's
left leg. Avery Nicemann was still there and administered
an elastoplast. Poor old Gordon wasn't so lucky as
he choked on the Victoria Sponge. He was our second
fatality of the day.
knew that Sue Ridgepipe caused the accident so she
invited her to the ladies to settle their differences.
Once inside Annette gave one massive swing of her
handbag but Sue ducked out of the way and Annette
went flying through the window. Constable Colin Allcarrs
was just arriving on his bicycle when he saw Annette
impaled on the railings outside. By now she had so
many holes in her you could see right through Annette
Kurtain. She did not survive the incident and became
our third fatality of the day.
who was there said they enjoyed the event very much
but it was not as good as last time when there were
seven fatalities and nine serious injuries.