Gateshead Mencap Society
Duck jokes

A duck walks into a store and asks, "Got any corn?"
The storeman tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't stock it."The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the store and asks, "Got any corn?" Again the storekeeper says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any corn?" The storekeeper says, "I've told you twice, we don't have corn, we've never had corn and we never will have corn. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any corn?"

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and the barman says "Hey where did you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
The barman says "I was talking to the duck!"

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.
The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

The Duck & the Lawyer.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Backworth. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm retrieving it.' The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am a trial lawyer and the duck is my property, if you don't let me get the duck, you will be sued.' The old farmer smiled and said,' Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Backworth. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.

The young lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule?'

The old Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cowpat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and manage d to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket he smiled and said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

The ultimate Duck Joke!

What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(Told by Ish Kabibble to John Barrymore in the 1941 movie "Playmates")