Gateshead Mencap Society
Fish jokes

Why did the plaice go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling a bit flat.

What is yellow and dangerous? - Shark infested custard.

What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob!

What do you call someone who is good at catching fish?
Annette.

Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales.

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call a man with a large flat fish on his head?
Ray.

What is an eel's favorite dance?
The conger.

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

What's the worlds laziest fish?
The kipper.

What is an eel's favorite dance?
The conger.

Where do fish go to borrow money?
A loan shark.
Which fish is the most valuable?
Goldfish.

Why are Sardines the stupidest fish ever? - They climb into tins - Close the Lid - And then leave the Key on the outside.

Where do fish put their rubbish?
In a Whaleie bin.

Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales.

Where do fish stay on a campsite?
In tentacles.

What did the Sardine call the passing submarine?
A can of People.
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike.

Where do fish go for their holidays?
Finland.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Internet.
Which sea creatures come calling at Christmas?
Coral singers.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

A fight broke out in the local fish shop...two fish got battered.

Which fish can perform operations?
A sturgeon.

Which fish love it when the sea freezes over?
Skates.

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.

Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A Mer-Maid.
Why didn’t the prawn share his toys?
He was a little shellfish

Why do fish like arcade games?
Because they are finball wizards.

What games do fish like playing the most?
Bass the parcel.

What games do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna.

What games do fish like playing the most?
Tide and seek.

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
How do you make an Octupus laugh?
With ten-tickles.

Why do oysters go to the gym?
It's good for the mussel.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance.

What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella
.

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod.

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What kind of fish chase mice?
Catfish.
.

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
He pulled a muscle.

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail.

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening.

Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty.

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station.

What do you call a fish that knows addition?
An Octoplus.

What fish sounds like a telephone?
Herring, herring…herring, herring…

How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
Exactly where you left it
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

Why are fish no good at tennis?
They don’t like to get too close to the net

How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another?
He scallops.

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm and says
"Do you serve fish cakes in here?"
The owner replies "no".
The man says "that's a shame it's his birthday today"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again.