Gateshead Mencap Society

Fish Jokes

What is yellow and dangerous? - Shark infested custard.

What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob!

What do you do with a blue whale?
Cheer it up.

Why did the plaice go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling a bit flat.

Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales.

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.

What do you call a fish that knows addition?
An Octoplus.

What kind of horse can swim underwater?
A seahorse.

What is an eel's favorite dance?
The conger.

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

What time is it when a whale jumps into your boat?
Time to get a new boat.

What do you call a man with a large flat fish on his head?
Ray.

What's the worlds laziest fish?
The kipper.

What is an eel's favorite dance?
The conger.

Where do whales sleep at night?
In water beds.

Where do fish go to borrow money?
A loan shark.

Why are Sardines the stupidest fish ever? - They climb into tins - Close the Lid - And then leave the Key on the outside.

Where do fish put their rubbish?
In a Whaleie bin.

Which fish is the most valuable?
Goldfish.

Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales.

Where do fish stay on a campsite?
In tentacles.

What kind of sweets do whales like?
Blubber gum.

What did the Sardine call the passing submarine?
A can of People.

Where do fish go for their holidays?
Finland.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

Why did the whale cross the sea?
To get to the other tide.

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike.

Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Internet.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Which sea creatures come calling at Christmas?
Coral singers.

A fight broke out in the local fish shop...two fish got battered.

Which fish can perform operations?
A sturgeon.

Why are fish so good at watching their weight?
Because they have lots of scales!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm and says
"Do you serve fish cakes in here?"
The owner replies "no".
The man says "that's a shame it's his birthday today"
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A Mer-Maid.

Why do fish like arcade games?
Because they are finball wizards.

What games do fish like playing the most?
Bass the parcel.

Which fish love it when the sea freezes over?
Skates.

Why didn’t the prawn share his toys?
He was a little shellfish

What games do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna.

What games do fish like playing the most?
Tide and seek.

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

Why do oysters go to the gym?
It's good for the mussel.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles.

What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella
.

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod.

What do you call someone who is good at catching fish?
Annette.

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
He pulled a muscle.

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail.

What kind of fish chase mice?
Catfish.

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening.

How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another?
He scallops.

Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty.

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible.

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station.

What fish sounds like a telephone?
Herring, herring…herring, herring…

How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
Where you left it

Why are fish no good at tennis?
They don’t like to get too close to the net

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again.

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.