Gateshead Mencap Society
Food jokes
What do you call someone with jelly in one ear
and custard in the other?
A trifle deaf.

A man was drowned eating his muesli the other day.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his dad had been a wafer so long.

How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down a hill.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunny.

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he's a fun-guy.

What is small, red and whispers?
A horse radish.

Why did the basil and ginger get thrown in jail?
Because the lemon grassed.

Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
The lid said, "Twist to open."

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
"Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
They can't get their heads in the jars.

The waiter askes the woman if she wants her pizza cut into six or 12 slices.
"Six, please. I could never eat 12 slices."

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril and mumbles, "Doctor, I'm not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "You're just not eating right."

Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?
To go with the jellyfish

In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae School.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?
Because it said ‘concentrate.

Why did the Jelly baby go to school?
He wanted to be a smartie!

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With Jamin!

Why do the French like to eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food!

What do dinosaurs put on their chips?
Tomatosaurus

What's white and fluffy and swings through the jungle.
A meringue-utan!

Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!

"I've got a crocodile named Ginger."
"Does Ginger bite?"
"No, Ginger snaps"

Cheese Jokes

What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.

How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!

Which is the most religious cheese?
Swiss, because it is holy.

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet?
She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese!

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese?
Philadelphia.

Who did the cheesy Bible start with?
Edam and Eve.

What hotel do mice stay in ?
The Stilton

What cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzeralla

What cheese should you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution?
Caerphilly

Which is the Richest Cheese in the world?
Paris Stilton.

What do you call an oriental cheese?
Parm-asian

What’s the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain?
Camembert (Come On Bear)

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

Bread Jokes

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread.
Stop loafing around.

What looks just like half a loaf of bread?
The other half.

Did you hear the story about the loaf of bread?

Crumbs.

Two Loaves of bread walked across the road.
One got hit by a bus. The other one said "Oh Crumbs!"

What is a bakers favorite Beatles song?
Loaf is all you knead.

Why doesn't anyone want to work in a bakery?
It's a crumby place to work.

I was going to start a bakery but I couldn't raise the dough