Gateshead Mencap Society
Football Interview
by ace reporter Ivan Inkling
An interview with former Bolton Wednesday striker and aficionado Willie Kicket by reporter Ivan Inkling.

Ivan
Hello Willie. What did you think of the game between Ashington Stanley and Lynmouth Argile?

Willie
Well you know, Ivan, the thing is, as it was, so to speak, a game of football between twenty two players, eleven on one side wearing white shirts and eleven on the other side wearing red shirts and it lasted for ninety minutes which is quite normal for a football match unless there is injury time which makes up for the time lost when players have to get medical attention but that wasn't needed in this game because nobody was injured except for a few people in the crowd when a fight broke out. So all in all, Ivor, it was a relatively injury free game and much better than it would have been if it had been a little bit worse than it was.

Ivan
Its Ivan actually, but thanks, Willie, for that riveting account. Now what about the players? How did they perform?

Willie

Well you know, Ivan, all the players were very talented footballers except for one or two that weren't and they all did what was expected of them. Some of them kicked the ball and some even headed it which means they used their heads to propel the ball mainly towards the opposing team's goal but sometimes they were sneaky and they passed the ball backwards to their team mates to confuse the other team. That is what we call tactics, Evan, and it is being used more and more in the cutting edge football we see today. Sometimes players tried to take the ball away from the opposing team using a maneuver we call a tackle and sometimes it worked but sometimes they did it wrong and that is what we call a foul and some players were told off by Orsen Kart, the referee. The referee is the twenty third man on the field and he is there to see fair play and uphold the rules but he wears a different colour to the two teams so we can tell he isn't one of the players.

Ivan
And what did you think of the result?

Willie
Well you know, Igor, the two teams were quite evenly matched, well it was a match wasn't it? - see what I did there? And you know, Ian, you can stick your finger in the air and no matter which way the wind blows it won't help to predict the result. In the first half neither of the teams managed to get the ball into the other team's goal so no goals were scored. But you know, Igor, it is a game of two halves. That is because they have a fifteen minute break in the middle. In the second half it was different because the teams played on the other side of the playing area which we usually call the pitch. In the second half there was a lot more kicking about and heading but one player got told off by the referee because the ball accidentally hit his hand and that is against the rules because it is called football. The goalkeeper is allowed to use his hands because they discovered it is really difficult to catch the ball with your feet. In America they play a game they call football but it isn't really because they all use their hands. Its a bit like our rugby except the players wear armour.

As luck would have it or maybe not in this case there were no goals scored in the second half either. So the result was a very deserved draw for both teams. A draw is what we call it when both teams score the same number of goals or in this case none and we call that a no score draw. That means that no team actually won the game so they will have to play again in what we call a re-match.

Ivan
By the way, My name is Ivan. There was almost one goal wasn't there Willie?

Willie
Well you know, Ivan, its a funny old game and at the end of the day there will certainly be the night. Yes, Ivan, there was nearly one goal. There was a young man in the team with the red shirts but the others were a little bit older. And you know, Ivan, sometimes the players can be women and they play football in a women's league against other women's teams but not many people watch it because everybody knows football is a man's game. Anyway back to today's game and one young player kicked the ball and it actually went into the Lynmouth goal. The Ashington supporters cheered and sang some songs but then the referee said it didn't count because it was offside. Unfortunately I don't know what that means. I have been told there is something called the offside rule and many boring people have tried to explain it to me but you know, Isaak, I just switch off.

Ivan
Thank you Willie for that very informative appraisal of the game.

Willie
My pleasure. Will the cheque be in the post