Gateshead Mencap Society
Pet Jokes

Cat Jokes

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?
She had mittens !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?
A carrot !

How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not tabby !

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !

What is the cat's favourite TV show ?
The evening mews !

What noise does a cat make going down the highway ?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
Shredded tweet !

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
A catastrophe !

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?
An octopuss !

Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Who was the most powerful cat in China ?
Chairman Miaow !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ?
A sourpuss !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary ?
A peeping tom !

How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk!

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas ?
Santa Claws !

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats !

What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea ?
A catameringue !

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck ?
A duck filled fatty puss !

Why do cats chase birds ?
For a lark !

What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers !

How is a cat laying down like a coin ?
Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other !

How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters ?
C-A-T !

What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom !

When the cat's away.....?
The house smells better !

Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate condensed milk !

Why did the cat cross the road ?
It was the chicken's day off !

What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws ?
An acrocat !

What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in boots !

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?
There was some money in the kitty !

Budgie Jokes

When is the best time to buy budgies ?
When they're going cheap !

What do you give a sick budgie ?
Tweetment !

What is a budgie's favorite TV show ?
The feather forecast !

What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ?
Shredded Tweet !

What did they call the budgie that flew into the pastry dish ?
Tweetie Pie !

Dog Jokes

How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !

What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
A bloodhound !

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ?
A petticoat !

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower !

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle ?
Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher !

Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema ?
Anywhere it wants to !

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ?
Because you can't bury them in trees !

How do you know if you have a stupid dog ?
It chases parked cars !

Why do dogs wag their tails ?
"Because no one else will do it for them !"

What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde ?
A jet setter !

Why did the dog wear white trainers?
Because his boots were at the coblers !

What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?
He was trying to make both ends meet !

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ?
When the door is open !

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ?
A dog that chases cars - and catches them !

What happens when it rains cats and dogs ?
You can step in a poodle !

What do you do if your dog eats your pen ?
Use a pencil instead !

What do dogs have that no other animal has ?
Puppy dogs !

What is a dog's favourite food ?
Anything that is on your plate !

What's a dog favourite hobby ?
Collecting fleas !

How many seasons are there in a dogs life ?
Just one, the moulting season !

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?
Because they mess up the whole house !

How do you stop a dog smelling ?
Put a peg on it's nose !

What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk ?
Any times he wants to !

What kind of dog chases anything red ?
A bull dog !

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ?
A guard dog !

What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater ?
A plain clothes police dog !

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly ?
The collie wobbles !

Why do dogs run in circles ?
Because its hard to run in squares !

Why did the dog say meow?
He was learning a foreign language.


Parrot Jokes

How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant bird seed !

How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?
Send him to polytechnic !

What is a parrot's favorite game ?
Hide and Speak !

What do you call a Scottish parrot ?
A Macaw !

What do parrots eat ?
Polyfilla !

What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !

What flies through the jungle singing opera ?
The parrots of Penzance !

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede ?
A great walkie-talkie !

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ?
Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol).