Gateshead Mencap Society

Really Bad Jokes

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderware

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What does a cat sleep on?
A caterpillow

What's the strongest bird?
A crane

What insect is good at maths?
An account-ant.

What wobbles as it flies?
A jelly-copter.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs!

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide

Horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "Why the long face?"

What do Gordon the Gopher and Thomas the Tank Engine have in common?
They have the same middle name
.

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple. except for the chicken.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey."
The horse says "Yes please."

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish.
 

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction!

What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table

What is hail?
Hard-boiled rain
 

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through Saltwell park?
One was a-salted.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!

What happened to the butcher when he backed into the bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his orders.

What's the award for being best dentist?
A little plaque.

Where do cows go for a first date?
To the moooovies!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running from the ball!

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

What did the princess say in the photo booth?
Someday my prints will come.

What did the sea say to the shore at Dover?
Hi Cliff.

Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look. I’m about to change.

Did you hear the joke about the blunt pencil?
Never mind, its pointless.

Why did the melon jump in the lake?
It wants to be a water melon.

"Nothing rhymes with orange"
"No it doesn't"

What do you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon aid!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It's too far to walk.

Why is there a fence around a cemetery?
People are dying to get in.

How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it’s full.

What room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom.

What music frightens balloons?
Pop music.

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we’ll go places together.

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.

What has two legs but can’t walk?
A pair of trousers.

How does a train eat?
It goes chew chew.

Why is it so windy inside a sports stadium?
Because there are a lot of fans.

Why was the broom late?
It over-swept.

What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.

Why could the bee not hear what people were saying?
He had wax in his ears.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it, man.

How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.

Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he’s always lion.

What do baby kangaroos wear when it’s cold out?
Jumpsuits.

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll just hang around.

What kind of horses go out in the dark?
Nightmares!

Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.

Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants!

I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
Why did the snowman sort through a bag of carrots?
Because he wanted to pick his nose.

What did one bean say to the other?
How you bean?

How many ears do space aliens have?
Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!

Which piece of school equipment is king?
The ruler.

What musical instrument can you find in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew!

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!

Where are average things manufactured?
In the satisfactory.

I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.

What did the calculator say to the maths student?
You can count on me.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look! No hands!

A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas. They are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

People say smoking causes diseases but it cures salmon.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

How do trees get online?
They log in.

How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night.
How does a scientist freshen his breath?
With experi-mints.

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.

What is a computer’s favorite snack?
Micro chips.