Gateshead Mencap Society
Really Bad Jokes

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderware

What does a cat sleep on?
A caterpillow

What's the strongest bird?
A crane

What insect is good at maths?
An account-ant.

What wobbles as it flies?
A jelly-copter.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.

What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs!

Horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "Why the long face?"

What do Gordon the Gopher and Thomas the Tank Engine have in common?
They have the same middle name
.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.


Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.


How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey."
The horse says "Yes please."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.


What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish.


Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction!

What is hail?
Hard-boiled rain


What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through Saltwell park?
One was a-salted.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!