Gateshead Mencap Society
Tommy Cooper Jokes

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said,"'It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion." 'The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time". The man replied, "I know I've been ill".

A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said "well don't go there any more."

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said, "You are."


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, "Go to Bournemouth, it's great fof flu."
So I went, and I got it.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went into a butchers and I said, "I'll have a pound of sausages." He said, "I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here." I said, "Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos."

So I said to the doctor, "People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball." The doctor said "Howzat?" I said, "don't you start."

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: "What do you want." I said, "I want to stay here." She said, "Well stay there." and shut the window.

'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out". Man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "I don't like my neighbours".

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted". 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again". And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "you're managing director".'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?". "It's not unusual."

I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians'.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.

"I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'"

My wife dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk so I phoned the doctor and told him to drop round anytime, in a few weeks or a few months.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.