to the paper shop - it had blown away.
went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and
when I woke up the pillow was gone.
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged
one and let the other one off.
woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back."
The doctor said,"'It's old age." The woman
said, "I want a second opinion." 'The doctor
says, "OK. you're ugly as well."
bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me
6p a month for the next 2 years.
know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.
man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I
haven't seen you in a long time". The man replied,
"I know I've been ill".
man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt
my arm in several places". The doctor said "well
don't go there any more."
on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it
up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And
a voice said, "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is
that the local swimming baths?" He said "It
depends where you're calling from."
went to the doctors the other day and I said, "have
you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite.
went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, "Go
to Bournemouth, it's great fof flu."
So I went, and I got it.
was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp
and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a
skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping
went into a butchers and I said, "I'll have a
pound of sausages." He said, "I'm very sorry,
sir, we only serve kilos in here." I said, "Okay
then I'll have a pound of kilos."
So I said to the doctor, "People keep taking
the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a
cricket ball." The doctor said "Howzat?"
I said, "don't you start."
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast
and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said:
"What do you want." I said, "I want
to stay here." She said, "Well stay there."
and shut the window.
'I got up just like that, well it could of been like
that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt
up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny
place to have a door I know'.
man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, "Go
over to the window and stick your tongue out".
Man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "I
don't like my neighbours".
Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother
Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss
rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted".
'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time
and said, "You've been promoted again".
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said,
"you're managing director".'And I went into
a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What
happened to you?" And I said "I careered
off the road."
I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is
it common?". "It's not unusual."
went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands.
She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said,
'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!
drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when
a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you
see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see
bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make
them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot
bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot
do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!
has brought our family together. We had to move to
a smaller house.
said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for
my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.
went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie
down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I
want to sweep up.
wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured
her. I hid her teeth.
wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something
soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.
said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She
said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'"
wife dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk so
I phoned the doctor and told him to drop round anytime,
in a few weeks or a few months.
guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His
shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and
one for the road.