Gateshead Mencap Society
Top Mad Tips

Money Saving Tips

Save money on expensive patio heaters. When it gets too cold to sit outside simply go indoors.

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day
.
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door
every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in your garage.

Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your
name to match your existing plate. Sent in by Mr. AB02YXB

Origami enthusiasts, Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beef burgers. Also your final model can be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.

Mums, when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object
you wish to view.

Old telephone directories make excellent personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an
emergency.

Save electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around the house wearing a miner's
hat.

Golfers, empty egg boxes make ideal containers for golf balls except they are a little
bit small.

A sheet of sand paper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when
visiting the Sahara desert.

Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware
of bees in the summer.

Save money on expensive foreign holidays by driving on the wrong side of the road when its hot and sunny.


Sport and Recreation

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Never admit you don't know the offside rule because the most boring person
in the world will try to explain it to you.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Recreate the fun of a visit to the local swimming baths by filling the bath with
cold water, adding two bottles of bleach and urinating into it before getting in.

Hot air balloonists. Enjoy your hobby on the cheap by standing in a laundry basket while using Google Earth

I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection
I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.

Keep your kids amused on shopping trips by giving them each three wooden balls
and offering a goldfish to the first one to knock a passer by’s hat off.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers
hit each other.

Battle of the Sexes

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with
the enemy.

There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

Fellas, don’t waste time wrapping gifts because you are useless at it. Let the wife do it with fancy bows and stuff while you go to the pub.

Girls, next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can’t and
it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you,
or get hurt.

Men, avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.

Ladies, avoid arguments about the loo seat by learning to lower it. It isn’t difficult and it only takes a second.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Losing a husband can be hard. In some cases it can be almost impossible.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Work

Be sure to turn it on before calling for technical support.

When all else fails, read the instructions!

To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

If you make it idiot proof someone will make a better idiot.

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm you.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

There is no problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the rightway, does not become still more complicated.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can’t.

If it wasn't for the last minute - nothing would ever get done.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

If at first you don’t succeed there’s always next year.

If you can remain calm.... you just don't have all the facts.

If a job is worth doing it has probably been done already.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Food, Diet and Alcohol

Drink makes other people interesting.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

Booze helps ugly people to have sex.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

You can avoid hangovers by staying drunk.

Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Tou can't buy happiness but you can buy wine and that's kind of the same thing.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes
bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Weight watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar
in the fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place.

Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs start eating cakes again.

Leave an empty milk carton in the fridge in case someone wants black coffee.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat & drink beer all day.



Advice

Never do your shoe laces up in a revolving door.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into
a bowl of iron filings.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble;
then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

Never eat yellow snow.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

Stop being scared of spiders by handling them on a regular basis until you aren’t scared of handling spiders anymore.

Prevent eggs from rolling off your work surface by keeping them in a bowl or similar receptacle.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish
all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.

The darkest hour is just before dawn so if you are going to steal your neighbours
milk and newspaper that's the time to do it.

Keep a torch next to a sundial so you can tell the time at night

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as
they walk up the aisle.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

A mousetrap carefully placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from going
back to sleep.

When a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to one simple question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing.

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark

Deaf people, Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

If your dog is unruly and jumps up at guests or begs at the dinner table, simply buy him a magnetic collar and stick him to the fridge.

Don't worry about the world ending today ... It's already tomorrow in Australia

Don’t write your PIN number on the back of your cash card because you won't be able to read it once you've put it in the machine.

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Motoring

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

During rush hour sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Ford Ka drivers, Attach a lighted sparkler to your car aerial before starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well look the part.

Drivers, if a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way
.
Car thieves don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

Housewives, when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Motorists, Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

Taxi drivers, pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators for you so other drivers know where you are going.

Drivers, pressing the headlight switch for a second time actually dips the buggers.

If the vehicle in front starts getting bigger - slow down.

Motorists, Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell & the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Sometimes the Road Less Travelled is less travelled for a reason.

Lifestyle

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

People who live in glass houses should change in the basement.

No one is listening until you fart.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and even fewer still to ignore someone
completely.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Don't suffer from insanity - enjoy every minute of it.