money on expensive patio heaters. When it gets too
cold to sit outside simply go indoors.
Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts
to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can
buy them back for fifty pence.
Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them
and simply popping to the door every
two minutes to see if anyone is there.
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them
up and keeping them in your garage.
Save money on expensive personalized car number plates
by simply changing your name
to match your existing plate. Sent in by Mr. AB02YXB
Origami enthusiasts, Save money on expensive brown
paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beef burgers.
Also your final model can be grilled, filling your
house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
Mums, when clearing up after a children's party, always
burst balloons before throwing them away. This way
you use far fewer dustbin liners.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
stand closer to the object
you wish to view.
Old telephone directories make excellent personal
address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don’t
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully
folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an
electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around
the house wearing a miner's
Golfers, empty egg boxes make ideal containers for
golf balls except they are a little
sheet of sand paper makes a cheap and effective substitute
for costly maps when
visiting the Sahara desert.
Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much
cheaper alternative, but beware
of bees in the summer.
money on expensive foreign holidays by driving on
the wrong side of the road when its hot and sunny.
Sport and Recreation
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
admit you don't know the offside rule because the
most boring person
in the world will try to explain it to you.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Recreate the fun of a visit to the local swimming
baths by filling the bath with
cold water, adding two bottles of bleach and urinating
into it before getting in.
air balloonists. Enjoy your hobby on the cheap by
standing in a laundry basket while using Google Earth
I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have
a large sea shell collection
I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
Keep your kids amused on shopping trips by giving
them each three wooden balls
and offering a goldfish to the first one to knock
a passer by’s hat off.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit
to the seaside by pouring a
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography, and the dancers
hit each other.
of the Sexes
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's
too much fraternizing with
There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither
Fellas, don’t waste time wrapping gifts because
you are useless at it. Let the wife do it with fancy
bows and stuff while you go to the pub.
Girls, next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm,
don't, because you can’t and
it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm
style, and no-one will laugh at you,
or get hurt.
avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Ladies, avoid arguments about the loo seat by learning
to lower it. It isn’t difficult and it only
takes a second.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially
if she winks back.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
It's a lot easier on you.
a husband can be hard. In some cases it can be almost
to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great
may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Be sure to turn it on before calling for technical
When all else fails, read the instructions!
To err is human, but to really mess things up requires
To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone
If you make it idiot proof someone will make a better
doing just a little every day, you can gradually let
the task completely
trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
There is no problem, however complicated, which, when
looked at in the rightway, does not become still more
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
are three kinds of people, those who can count and
those who can’t.
If it wasn't for the last minute - nothing would ever
The probability of someone watching you is proportional
to the stupidity of your action.
There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.
at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have
to catch up.
If at first you don’t succeed there’s
always next year.
If you can remain calm.... you just don't have all
If a job is worth doing it has probably been done
have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You
will learn a lot today.
thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Diet and Alcohol
Drink makes other people interesting.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
Booze helps ugly people to have sex.
is too short to drink bad wine.
You can avoid hangovers by staying drunk.
Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
too much to drink isn't enough.
can't buy happiness but you can buy wine and that's
kind of the same thing.
up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge
and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble
at the chocolate bar in
the fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your
legs start eating cakes again.
an empty milk carton in the fridge in case someone
wants black coffee.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish and he will sit in
a boat & drink beer all day.
Never do your shoe laces up in a revolving door.
instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin into a
bowl of iron filings.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first,
get a huge block of marble; then
you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
Never eat yellow snow.
shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and
asking them to wrap it.
Stop being scared of spiders by handling them on a
regular basis until you aren’t scared of handling
Prevent eggs from rolling off your work surface by
keeping them in a bowl or similar receptacle.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your
fingernails and talking gibberish all
the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or
set fire to someone else's house.
A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal
deterrent to lip-readers.
The darkest hour is just before dawn so if you are
going to steal your neighbours milk
and newspaper that's the time to do it.
a torch next to a sundial so you can tell the time
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling
and nodding at people as they
walk up the aisle.
wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive
alternative to sun-bed treatments.
A mousetrap carefully placed on top of your alarm
clock will prevent you from going back
a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down
the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve
it more easily by reducing it to one simple question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
One way to prevent conversation from being boring
is to say the wrong thing.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight
with an aardvark
Deaf people, Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal
way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
your dog is unruly and jumps up at guests or begs
at the dinner table, simply buy him a magnetic collar
and stick him to the fridge.
Don't worry about the world ending today ... It's
already tomorrow in Australia
Don’t write your PIN number on the back of your
cash card because you won't be able
to read it once you've put it in the machine.
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a flat tyre.
During rush hour sit in your parked car and point
a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Ford Ka drivers, Attach a lighted sparkler to your
car aerial before starting a journey. You drive the
things like dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well
look the part.
Drivers, if a car breaks down or stalls in front of
you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their
thieves don’t be discouraged when nothing is
on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove
box or under a seat.
Housewives, when nipping out to the shops, remember
to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use
it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping
red lights and driving the wrong way up one
you're in London by simply sitting in your car all
day with the engine running, occasionally
your horn and never actually going anywhere.
Taxi drivers, pop into the garage and ask them to
fix your indicators for you so other drivers know
where you are going.
Drivers, pressing the headlight switch for a second
time actually dips the buggers.
the vehicle in front starts getting bigger - slow
Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell
& the police will think you are listening to the
the Road Less Travelled is less travelled for a reason.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
People who live in glass houses should change in the
No one is listening until you fart.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and
even fewer still to ignore someone completely.
remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
If you lend someone £20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgement.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get
Don't suffer from insanity - enjoy every minute of