Gateshead Mencap Society
Waiter, Waiter Jokes

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks like the backstroke, sir...

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'im.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for 50p - a live one?

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

Waiter, waiter, will the pancakes be long?
No sir, round.

Waiter, Waiter! There's no chicken in the chicken soup!
That's alright Sir. There's no horse in the horseradish either!

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday.

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

Waiter waiter there's a twig in my soup.
Hold on Sir, I'll get the branch manager.

Waiter, Waiter there's a crocodile in my soup!
Well sir you told me to make it snappy!

Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.

Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

A waiter brings the customer his meal with his thumb over the steak.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was...

Waiter: These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.
Diner: Well, bring me some you haven’t had around for that long.

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup.
Don't worry, Sir, It's not that hot.


Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

Waiter, Have you got frog's legs?
Yes sir.
Well hop over here with a menu.

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, my plate's wet!
It's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
So why aren't you laughing?

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.