Gateshead Mencap Society

Mad Tips.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get 'im.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks like the backstroke, sir...

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for 50p - a live one?

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

Waiter, Waiter there's a crocodile in my soup!
Well sir you told me to make it snappy!

Waiter, Waiter! There's no chicken in the chicken soup!
That's alright Sir. There's no horse in the horseradish either!

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

 

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday.

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.

Waiter, waiter, will the pancakes be long?
No sir, round.

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

Waiter waiter there's a twig in my soup.
Hold on Sir, I'll get the branch manager.

Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, that's because it was only ground this morning.

Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

Waiter, Have you got frog's legs?
Yes sir.
Well hop over here with a menu.

Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup.
Don't worry, Sir, It's not that hot.

Waiter your hand is on my steak!
You want it to fall on the floor again?

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was.

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

Waiter, bring me a hot dog please.
With pleasure sir.
No, with mustard.

I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Why would I want two empty glasses?

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter:"There's everything on our menu"
Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream?
Skiing sir!

Waiter, there is a spider on my plate, send me the manager!
That's no good, he's scared of them too!

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

Waiter, my plate's wet!
It's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, there is a dead fly on my steak!
I don't know sir, perhaps it died after tasting it!

These are the best eggs we’ve had for years!
Well, bring me some you haven’t had around for that long!

Waiter, is there soup on the menu?
No, madam I wiped it off !