Gateshead Mencap Society

Charity Disco
By Ace Reporter Ivan Inkling

Our super charity disco night was a tremendous success. It was held at the Bensham and District Gas Works Community Hall. The committee decided to put Helen Highwater on the door so it was impossible to get in without a ticket. Helen was told especially to watch out for Ed Banger as he was a known trouble maker.

Top D. J. Oliver Suddin started the proceedings with his Lugblaster Disco. He played all the old favourites and when the Birdie Song came on everyone got up to dance. It was so crowded that Faye McAdammy was pushed off the dance floor and she knocked over a table full of drinks. Grace Quirroll was not amused as she got soaked. She let fly with her walking stick which smashed into Oliver's disco lights. Broken glass rained down on the dance floor. There was blood everywhere. Most of the people had major cuts and gashes but it was OK as Avery Niceman was there with his first aid kit.
At 8.37pm the supper arrived. This time it was everyone's favourite, tripe and onions. There was a mad rush to get in the queue and Wendy Winblows was crushed between two very large ladies. She was given mouth to mouth by Avery Niceman but she did not survive the incident. She was the first fatality of the night. Eventually everyone was served and they all sat and enjoyed their very special meal. Everyone, that is, except for a bearded stranger.

People were shocked that there was someone who didn't actually like tripe. They were all curious as to who this stranger was and why he had come to their charity disco. The stranger took a doggy bag out of his pocket and put the tripe and onions into it. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as it appeared he was going to take it home for later.

After the interval the disco resumed. Oliver played all the popular songs and when he played The Music Man the dance floor was crowded again. Then the unthinkable happened. The bearded stranger took the tripe out of the doggy bag and slung it all over the dance floor. Well tripe is a very slippery substance and the dancers slid about all over the place. The stranger watched with great amusement at first but soon made his way to the exit before anyone realized who was responsible. He did not, however, manage to get to the door as Freda Livery's zimmer frame went crashing into the back of his head.

The force knocked his glasses and false beard clean off. Helen Highwater could not believe her eyes. She realized that the stranger was none other than Ed Banger in a very clever disguise. How did he manage to get past her at the door?. Police constable Colin Allcars arrived to apprehend Ed Banger but he was too late. The blow to the back of Ed's head had caused him to choke on his false teeth. He was the second fatality of the evening.

Meanwhile Oliver kept on playing his records and the dancers were still sliding all over the dance floor and of course perfectly in time with the music. Everyone enjoyed the evening very much, especially as they had acquired new dancing skills. The committee are hopeful that synchronized tripe dancing will be included as a competitive sport in the next Olympics.