Gateshead Mencap Society
Doctor, doctor jokes

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball."
"Well get to the back of the queue."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Pull yourself together."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note."
"Go Shopping, the change will do you good."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera."
"We'll just have to wait and see what develops."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock."
"OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit down and tell me all about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there’s two of me.”
“One at a time please!”

"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory."
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen a Doctor before?"
"No, just little black spots."

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bell”.
“Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring”.

”Doctor, doctor, I feel like a parrot. Doctor, doctor I feel like a parrot…”

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon”.
“Sit still and don't stir”.

“Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me”.
Next please!”

“Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep”.
“Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off”.


“Doctor, doctor I feel like a sewing machine”
“Don’t tell everyone or they will try and stitch you up”.

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."
"Now you're just talking rubbish."

"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy."
"How long have you felt like that?"
"About a yeeeehaaah!"

“Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid”.
“Nonsense man, you can stop anytime”.

“Doctor, doctor I don’t look good today”.
”Do you ever look good?”

"Doctor Doctor, you have to help me out... "
"Certainly sir, which way did you come in?"

“Doctor, doctor I feel like a cabbage”.
Yes you do look a little green”.

“Doctor, doctor my world is falling apart”.
“Shall I get you some glue?”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a frog.”
“Go on, hop it!”

"Doctor Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp pain in my eye."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a king.”
“What’s your name?”
“Joe.”
“You must be Joe King!”

“Doctor Doctor I feel like a bee!"
"Buzz off!"

“Doctor Doctor, I keep losing my memory.”
“When did you first notice that?”
“When did I first notice what?”

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a packet of buscuits!"
"You must be crackers"

Doctor Doctor, I think I need glasses...",
"Yes, I think you do Sir, this is a fish-n-chip shop."

“Doctor Doctor, I think I’m invisible.
Who said that?

Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a goat!"
"How long have you felt like this?"
"Since I was a kid!"

“Doctor, Doctor! I'm going to die in 51 seconds!"
"I will be with you in a minute!"

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bridge”
“What’s come over you?”
“So far, three cars, a bus and a motorcycle!”

"Doctor, Doctor! I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"

“Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty.”
“Well you'd better buy a little pig for it then.”

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread.”
“Stop loafing around.”

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
She was getting tired of all the chicken jokes
.

I hope one day chickens will be able to cross the road without being judged on their motives.

“Doctor, doctor, what's the best cure for water on the knee?”
“A tap on the ankle.”

“Doctor, Doctor, what can I do about my broken leg?”
“Limp.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep losing my temper with people.”
“Tell me about your problem.”
“I just did, you stupid idiot!”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I've been here before.”
“Oh, no, not you again.”
“Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps calling me a liar.”
“I don’t believe it!”

“Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“Ever since I was a puppy!”
“Doctor, doctor, my son's just swallowed some gunpowder.”
“Well, don't point him at me.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snail.”
“Don't worry, we'll soon have you out of your shell.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep stealing things.”
“Have you taken anything for it?”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
“When did this first happen?”
“Next Tuesday.”
“Doctor, doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.”
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”

“Doctor, doctor, I'm becoming invisible.”
“Yes I can see you're not all there.”
“Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning in front of my eyes.”
“Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!”