Gateshead Mencap Society

Doctor, Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball."
"Well get to the back of the queue."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Pull yourself together."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note."
"Go Shopping, the change will do you good."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera."
"We'll just have to wait and see what develops."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock."
"OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit down and tell me all about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there’s two of me.”
“One at a time please!”

"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory."
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen a Doctor before?"
"No, just little black spots."

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bell”.
“Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring”.

”Doctor, doctor, I feel like a parrot. Doctor, doctor I feel like a parrot…”

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon”.
“Sit still and don't stir”.

“Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me”.
Next please!”

“Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep”.
“Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off”.


“Doctor, doctor I feel like a sewing machine”
“Don’t tell everyone or they will try and stitch you up”.

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."
"Now you're just talking rubbish."

"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy."
"How long have you felt like that?"
"About a yeeeehaaah!"

“Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid”.
“Nonsense man, you can stop anytime”.

“Doctor, doctor I don’t look good today”.
”Do you ever look good?”

"Doctor Doctor, you have to help me out... "
"Certainly sir, which way did you come in?"

“Doctor, doctor I feel like a cabbage”.
Yes you do look a little green”.

“Doctor, doctor my world is falling apart”.
“Shall I get you some glue?”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a frog.”
“Go on, hop it!”

"Doctor Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp pain in my eye."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a king.”
“What’s your name?”
“Joe.”
“You must be Joe King!”

“Doctor Doctor I feel like a bee!"
"Buzz off!"

“Doctor Doctor, I keep losing my memory.”
“When did you first notice that?”
“When did I first notice what?”

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a packet of biscuits!"
"You must be crackers"

Doctor Doctor, I think I need glasses..",
"Yes, I think you do Sir, this is a fish and chip shop."

“Doctor Doctor, I think I’m invisible.
Who said that?

Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a goat!"
"How long have you felt like this?"
"Since I was a kid!"

“Doctor, Doctor! I'm going to die in 51 seconds!"
"I will be with you in a minute!"

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bridge”
“What’s come over you?”
“So far, three cars, a bus and a motorcycle!”

"Doctor, Doctor! I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"

“Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty.”
“Well you'd better buy a little pig for it then.”

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread.”
“Stop loafing around.”

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?”
"Certainly sir"
“Great! I never could before!”

"Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake."
"Sleep in another room then!"

“Doctor, doctor, what's the best cure for water on the knee?”
“A tap on the ankle.”

“Doctor, Doctor, what can I do about my broken leg?”
“Limp.”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep losing my temper with people.”
“Tell me about your problem.”
“I just did, you stupid idiot!”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I've been here before.”
“Oh, no, not you again.”

“Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps calling me a liar.”
“I don’t believe it!”

“Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“Ever since I was a puppy!”

“Doctor, doctor, my son's just swallowed some gunpowder.”
“Well, don't point him at me.”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snail.”
“Don't worry, we'll soon have you out of your shell.”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep stealing things.”
“Have you taken anything for it?”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
“When did this first happen?”
“Next Tuesday.”

“Doctor, doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.”
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”

“Doctor, doctor, I'm becoming invisible.”
“Yes I can see you're not all there.”

“Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning in front of my eyes.”
“Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!”