Garden Fete last June will go down in history. This
year instead of an entry charge we had a bucket so
that people could make a donation if they wished.
We had grumpy old Helen Highwater at the gate so no-one
dared refuse to donate. We made a small fortune.
inside guests were invited to waste their money on
the Tombola. The main prize was an enormous trifle
donated by Mrs. Tamara Knight. Naturally everyone
was frantic to get the winning ticket and when Lucy
Lastic won the prize there was an uproar. Sue Ridgepipe
swore it was an accident when the trifle ended up
all over Lucy.
a huge cheer was heard from the refreshments tent.
The hot pies had arrived accompanied by three scalding
buckets of mushy peas. Lucy saw her opportunity to
get revenge on Sue and when no-one was looking she
grabbed a bucket of peas which of course she poured
all over Sue Ridgepipe. Avery Niceman administered
first aid but Sue had to be taken to hospital with
second degree burns. She was our first casualty of
the afternoon. Constable Colin Allcars cautioned Lucy
Lastic and said he expected better from people in
our main entertainment of the day we were very lucky
to have a performance by the Bensham over sixties
go-go dancing team. They did a great routine ending
with "Big Spender" It was all too much for
old Mr. Horace Cope who had to be given oxygen. He
was rushed to hospital but was pronounced dead on
arrival. He was our first fatality of the day.
they announced that the bingo was about to start.
The top prize was £13.10 so there was enormous
demand for tickets. Poor old Lydia Bestpot was trampled
under foot in the stampede. Unfortunately Jacqueline
Hyde's stiletto heel pierced her windpipe and she
became our second fatality of the day. Constable Colin
Allcars took some notes.
the bingo everyone moved to the White Elephant stall.
Freda Livery had her eye on a Toby Jug but Marcus
Absent got there first. Marcus was examining the piece
smashed him in the leg with her zimmer frame. Well
marcus was a large man and he fell over taking the
whole White Elephant stall with him. The three ladies
serving on the stall were crushed under it and some
of the artifacts went flying into the crowd. A huge
punch bowl smashed into the refreshment tent causing
the gas bottle to fall on the stove. The explosion
could be heard for miles. An ambulance was called
but Helen Highwater wouldn't let them in without making
a donation. Eventually the carnage was sorted and
the bodies counted. Another six fatalities and nine
serious injuries. Colin Allcars made some more notes.
came the raffle. The main prize was a cuddly toy so
everyone had bought tickets. When the winning number
thirteen was pulled out of the hat Annie Daynow claimed
the prize. The raffle organizer Emma Wroid remembered
selling the winning ticket to poor Horace Cope (deceased)
and accused Annie of stealing it while he was being
administered oxygen. The riot that ensued was spectacular.
Even the walking wounded got stuck in. Constable Collin
Allcars was powerless to do anything about it as his
notebook was full. When the dust settled there were
four more fatalities and seventeen serious injuries.
said that despite the rain it was the best Garden