Gateshead Mencap Society

Laugh until you're horse with these animal jokes

What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
Big ones.

What do you call a rabbit who wears a kilt?

What do you call a donkey with GCSEs?
A smart ass.

How are clouds like horse riders?
They both hold the reins.
What kind of horse do you ride on Halloween?
A night mare.
What did the horse grow in her garden?
Horse radishes.

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
From a distance they look like hares!

What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean
How do you catch a rabbit?
You hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot.

Did you hear about the racehorse that was so slow that they had to pay the jockey overtime.

If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.

What do you call a joke-telling rabbit?
A funny bunny.

What do you call mobile homes for rabbits?
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar.
Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her holiday?
She only had a little trunk.

What do you call a unicorn with no horn?
A horse.

How long should a horses legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky donkey.

Who isn’t an upside down horse shoe good luck for?
The horse that lost it!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie!
If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!

What’s the difference between a horse and a duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack.

What did one flea say to the other flea?
“Should we walk home or take a dog?”

How do you send a letter to a rabbit?
Hare mail.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn’t give a hoot!
What should you do if a bull charges you?
Pay him!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up.

What did the mythical creature serve at his barbecue?
Unicorn on the cob

What do you get when you cross a bunny an onion
A bunion.

What would you call a angry rabbit on a hot day?
A hot cross bunny.

Which kind of horse swims underwater without having to come up for air?
A seahorse.
Why did the horse go to the doctor?
It had hay fever.
How do mules open doors?
With don-keys.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What’s do horses play for fun?
Stable tennis.

Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!
What is the difference between a carrot and a unicorn?
One is a bunny feast; the other is a funny beast.
What is a ape's favourite biscuit?
Chocolate chimp!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer

What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and a comedian bunny?
One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny.

Which famous bunny has fleas?
Bugs Bunny.

Why did the horse talk while his mouth was full?
He had bad stable manners.
What do orangutans do when they get mad?
They go bananas!
Did you hear about the elephant paint its toenails different colours so he could hide in a bag of M&M’s?

What’s the hardest thing about riding a horse?
The ground.

What is black, white, and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin

Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
The lid said, "Twist to open."

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!
There were two cows in a field. One says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”
Where do horses go when they are injured?
The horsepital.

What do we call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.

Where does a baby ape sleep?
In an apricot!

What do you call a pig with skin problems?
A wart-hog.

How do we know carrots are good for your eyes?
You never see rabbits wearing glasses.
Why was the racehorse called “Bad News?”
Because bad news travels fast.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.

What did the race horse order from the bakery?

Why did the leopard refuse to take a bath?
It didn’t want to come out spotless

How far can a rabbit run into the woods?
Halfway. After that she’s running out of the woods.

What happened when the pig pen broke?
The pigs had to use a pencil!

How do unicorns get to the park?
On a unicycle.
What do you call an easy-going rabbit?

What do you call the horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bour.

Why don’t bears wear shoes?
Because they’d still have bear feet!

Which pair of rabbits were famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.

What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.

Never take your dog to a flea market.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?

Where does a cow go on holiday?
An amoosement park.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

What do you call a bee that is always complaining?
A grumble bee.

Did you hear about the exhausted kangaroo.
It was out of bounds.
Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.

Why do cows go to London’s west end?
A: To see the moosicals!

What is black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a rash.

What is the snake’s favourite subject?

How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!

What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A leap year!

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went to a restaurant. When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill.

When birds fly in the shape of a “V” why is one line shorter than the other?
Because it has less birds in it.

Why can't emus fly?
They can’t afford the air fare.

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Too many catfish.

When should a mouse use an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs!

Why was the flea running across the top of a cereal packet?
Because it said "Tear along the dotted line"

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?
Three blind mice.

Why did the pig have ink on his face?
Because it came out of a pen.