recent coffee morning was a tremendous success. Before the doors
were opened at 10 o'clock people had been queuing in their ones.
Mrs. Lucy Lastic was standing knitting when her close enemy
Annette Kurtain arrived. They argued for a full quarter of an
hour before they realized the doors were open.
at once they made a dart for the door but both being wider than
the average lady they managed to wedge themselves in the doorway.Sadly
one of Lucy's knitting needles was later found in Annette's nether
feeling that the incident was not entirely accidental, ordered
a very hot cup of coffee which she immediately threw over Lucy.
Unfortunately Sue Ridgepipe got in the way and was drenched
in the hot coffee. She
let out such a yell that old Arthur Writus collapsed with shock.
the paramedic, Avery Nicemann, checked him over he was pronounced
dead of a suspected coronary. This was our first fatality of the
now a huge crowd had gathered as they do when there are serious
accidents. The police were called but you can never find one when
you need one. Meanwhile Sue, after drying herself down, sought
her revenge on Annette.
She went to the cake stall and bought a huge Victoria Sponge which
she hurled at Annette with all her might. Well Sue's eyesight
wasn't so good and the cake landed smack in the gob of Gordon
let fly with his walking stick which went clean through Annette's
left leg. Avery Nicemann was still there and administered an elastoplast.
Poor old Gordon wasn't so lucky as he choked on the Victoria Sponge.
He was our second fatality of the day.
knew that Sue Ridgepipe caused the accident so she invited her
to the ladies to settle their differences. Once inside Annette
gave one massive swing of her handbag but Sue ducked out of
the way and Annette went flying through the window.
Constable Colin Allcars was just arriving on his bicycle when
he saw Annette impaled on the railings outside. By now she had
so many holes in her you could see right through Annette Kurtain.
She did not survive the incident and became our third fatality
of the day.
who was there said they enjoyed the event very much but it was
not as good as last time when there were seven fatalities and
nine serious injuries.