Gateshead Mencap Society

These duck jokes could make you go quackers

What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?

At what time do ducks wake up?
The quack of dawn

What do you call a duck that steals?
A robber duck.

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and the barman says "Hey where did you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
The barman says "I was talking to the duck!"
I went to the Doctors and told him I kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....
The Doc said not to're just having Disney spells...

What happens when ducks fly upside down?
They quack up

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

What do you get when you put six ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.

A man walks into the doctor’s surgery with a duck on his head.
The doctor looks up and says, “Yes, sir, can I help you?”
The duck says, “Yes, can you get this man off my feet?”

What did the cow say to the duck?

What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!

Where do ducks go when they are sick?
To the ducktor.

What do ducks like to eat with soup?

What is it called when it’s raining ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.

Two ducks are in a pond. One went "Quack quack!" And the other duck said "That’s funny I was just about to say that!"
Two Scottish ducks are walking down the road when one says to the other, “Quack”.
The other replies, “I’m going as quack as I can!”

A duck walks into a shop and asks, "Got any corn?"
The shopkeeper tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't stock it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the store and asks, "Got any corn?" Again the shopkeeper says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any corn?" The shopkeeper says, "I've told you twice, we don't have corn, we've never had corn and we never will have corn. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"Got any corn?"

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first. The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck.

But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

The ultimate Duck Joke!

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.

(Told by Ish Kabibble to John Barrymore in the 1941 movie "Playmates"