Gateshead Mencap Society

You might need the Geordie Dictionary to help with these jokes

A Geordie bloke phoned his mother-in-law & told her that her daughter had gone into labour.
"Is she dilated?" asked the mother-in-law.
"I don't know cause she's off her heed on gas reet now, but i'm owa the moon like.

Bloke went to a Doctor with a bad leg.
Doctor said, 'can you walk?'
Bloke said 'work!? I cannit even waalk!'

Bloke went to an Optician.
Optician said 'can you see that board'
Bloke said 'Bord!? A cannit even see the cage!'

Geordie was at the supermarket checkout with his wife. The girl said 'carrier bag?', and he said 'nah, lerra waalk'.

What's the difference between a Kangaroo & a Kangaroot? One's a Marsupial, the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift....

A Geordie bloke told me he was really good at flirting!
I threw him in a swimming pool.
He sank.

How’d ya driving test gan?
I Failed and the police got involved because I hit a kerb
The police can’t get involved cos ya hit a kerb.
They can when its bob-a-job week!

Fella driving along when his car breaks down. He gets out the car and sees smoke coming from his bonnet. The fella rings his local garage to advise of his situation.
"Hello mate, me cars broken doon and I divvent knaa what’s gannin on but there’s smoke oot of me bonnet"
mechanic replies "are you owa heatin'?"
Fella says "nah, I’m just on the Byker Bridge"

bloke goes to see a geordie doctor, he says "Doctor me armpits smell of coconuts"
The doctor says, "Well they're bounty".

I asked this Geordie what time Lidl was open.
He said "Aldi"
I said "No. Lidl

Saw a sign in a Geordie clothes shop: Women's Winter Coats.
Underneath was a row of empty coat hangers.

It must be really cold, I just saw a Geordie wearing a T-shirt!

Posh bloke: Do you know any card games
Geordie gadgie: Aye ice hockey
Posh bloke: That's not a card game
Geordie: It's the caadest game ah knaa.

A young zebra said to his mother, “I’m fed up with Newcastle, can I get a Manchester United strip?”

Where's Warsaw?
In wor shed.

Weather warning
Southerners you are advised not to travel.
Geordies will need to wear a shirt.

What's the difference between a Bull terrier and a Warburton's thick slice?
Two different breeds.

Police in Northumberland are reporting an accident on the A1. A lorry full of terrapins collided with a lorry full of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster

How does a Geordie carpenter make sure his doors are level?
By eye man.

Me mutha always said “life is like a donner kebab, ye nivva knaa what ya ganna get”

Little Geordie gans ower to America to help fight the injuns.
Custer say hey Geordie, I think that’s the sound of war drums.
Geordie says “Naa, a think they’re theirs.

I went to a hairdressers in Ashington and asked for a perm.......she said "rerses are red, violets are blue"

Geordies wife asked him to buy a new carpet?
He came back with a Ford Fiesta.

Geordie gets a phone caal from his eldest lad on Christmas morning:
"Dad! Wor lass has had the bairn, and it's a boy, and we want ye to choose the name!"
"Wey", says Geordie, "Aa'd like him to hev a propa Chrissmassy name. So ye shud caal him Harold."
"Divven't be daft, Dad", says the son, "Harold's got nowt te de wi' Christmas, man!"
"Course he has, son! Ha' ye forgetten the owld hymn... Hark the Harold Angels Sing?"

For services rendered, Geordie was invited to Buckingham Palace for tea with the Queen.
She offered him a plate of fancies.
Her Majesty asked,“Would you like a cake, Geordie, or a meringue?”
Geordie said, “Nar, yer reet, aa’ll have a cake,”

Geordie’s parrot would not stop swearing and one day in a fit of temper he put it in the freezer and told it that it was not getting out until it stopped using foul language. When the swearing eventually stopped, Geordie opened the freezer and the parrot said, “Alreet man, a’l stop swearing, but a have one question, … what did the turkey do?”
The aquarium in Ashington is closed for training porpoises.
In a restaurant in Newcastle a Geordie was eating fish. He started to wheeze and pointed to his throat. He slid down his chair onto the floor gasping for breath. Eventually another Geordie strolled across and looked down at him as he was turning blue. The diner managed to gasp out the words "Fish bone" The guy then said to him "Are you chokin?" To which the diner managed to gasp "Naa mate, I'm serious"
I rang a local Geordie takeaway. I said, “Do you deliver?”
“Naa,” he said, “we only dee beef and chicken.”