Gateshead Mencap Society

Howay pet, have a laugh at these pet jokes.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!

How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens !

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out a night!

What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby!

What is the cat's favourite TV show?
The evening mews!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
Shredded tweet !

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
An octopuss!

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws!

Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!

How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk!

What do cats read in the morning?

What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender?
Shredded Tweet!

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left?
None. They were all copy cats!

Why do cats chase birds?
For a lark!

How is a cat laying down like a coin ?
Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
C-A-T !

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A pet-icoat!


Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because no one else will do it for them!

What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom!

When the cat's away the house smells better!

Why was the cat so small?
Because it only ate condensed milk!

Why did the cat cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet!

What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots!

What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat!

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty

What do you give a sick budgie?

What is a budgie's favorite TV show?
The feather forecast!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You could step in a poodle!

What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog!

What did they call the budgie that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie!

When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they're going cheap!

How do you catch a runaway dog?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A bloodhound!

What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A shampoodle!

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
Because he was short to reach any higher!

Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to!

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because you can't bury them in trees!

How do you know if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars!

What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A jet setter!

Why did the dog wear white trainers?
Because his boots were at the cobblers!

What's a dog favourite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppy dogs!

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open!

What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
Use a pencil instead!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
A guard dog!

How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
Just one, the moulting season!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house!

How do you stop a dog smelling?
Put a peg on it's nose!

What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
Any times he wants!

What is a dog's favourite food?
Anything that is on your plate!

What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
A plain clothes police dog!

Why do dogs run in circles?
Because its hard to run in squares!

Why did the dog say meow?
He was learning a foreign language

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they’re going cheap!

Q: Why did the cat run away from the tree?
A: It was scared of its bark.
My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away!

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because you can’t bury them in trees!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles!

What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A mice-cream cone!

Why does a Budgie sleep on one leg ?
Because if he lifted that leg up too he'd fall over.

Why are there no dogs on the moon? Because there are no trees.
A pony went to the doctor about his sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”

Where do hamsters come from?

Why are goldfish easy to weigh?
They bring their own scales.

What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A terrified postman!

What’s a puppy’s favourite pizza?

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watch dogs.

Why did the dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!

Why are cats afraid of trees?
Because of their bark!

Where does a hamster go on holiday? Hamsterdam!

Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
They’ve got two left feet!

I just learned how to speak parrot
I just learned how to speak parrot