Gateshead Mencap Society

Sports Day
by ace reporter Ivan Inkling
Last May, despite several requests from members not to, the committee went ahead and organised a sports day. They hired the extremely undulating and quaintly sloping Bensham and district municipal field for the afternoon.

The over eighties men's twenty-five metres was the first event of the day. Anna Recksik fired the starting pistol but unfortunately the contestants hobbled all over the place. Anna scratched her head for a moment then she realised what was wrong. She promptly went to the hardware store and came back with a huge tin of paint. She then painted white lines on the grass.

Now the competitors knew where they were going so Anna fired the pistol again. They all shuffled towards the winning post except for Terry Cotter who was so startled by the noise of the gun he collapsed in a heap. The para-medic, Avery Niceman, was there in a flash but he was too late to save Terry. He was the first fatality of the afternoon. Seymour Legg eventually won the race in a record time of thirteen minutes twelve seconds.

The egg and spoon race was next. It got off to a good start but soon Amanda Lynne went flying ahead of the rest and was first past the winning post. Unfortunately she was disqualified. At the judges enquiry it was decided that fried eggs were not allowed

Up next was the ladies three-legged hurdles. The contestants tied their legs together and lined up at the starting line. They didn't notice that mischievous Hugo Furst had tied each pair to the next so they were all tied together. Well you can imagine the chaos that ensued. The contestants fell all over each other. Two very large ladies fell on poor old Annie Versary and she died of asphyxiation. Constable Colin Allcars had a quiet word with Hugo who promised not to do it again.

next event was the sack race. Soon after the start Mona Lott stumbled into Philippa Bucket knocking her false teeth out. Deaf old Mona had misheard the instructions and instead of getting into the sack she had pulled it over her head so she couldn't see where she was going.

Meanwhile in the middle of the field the other events were taking place. The javelin went off very well with a minimum of casualties and the shot put only wounded two spectators. We were not so lucky, however, with the hammer throwing. The extremely large Mr. Evan Elpuss went into a fast spin and let go of the hammer too early. The entire front row of spectators received injuries. Avery Niceman was so busy he almost ran out of elastoplasts.

Finally came the Tug of War. Two teams of very big people were assembled. The teams took the strain and the rope tightened. Unfortunately the rope was not as strong as the teams and when it snapped the contestants rolled everywhere. Gerry Mander rolled into the judges table which smashed into pieces. Bits went flying into the air and we were very lucky only three spectators had to be taken to hospital.

The prize giving ceremony went almost according to plan and some winners actually got the right trophies. Everyone congratulated the committee on their organizational skills and pleaded with them to hold another one next year.