Gateshead Mencap Society

These jokes are all in the style of Tommy Cooper - one of the UK's funniest men

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said,"'It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion." 'The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time". The man replied, "I know I've been ill".

A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said "well don't go to those places".

So I said to the doctor, "People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball." The doctor said "Howzat?" I said, "don't you start."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?". "It's not unusual."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."

What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: "What do you want." I said, "I want to stay here." She said, "Well stay there." and shut the window.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.


So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said, "You are."

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."
So I went, and I got it.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty - but she's great with the kids!

I went into a butchers and I said, "I'll have a pound of sausages." He said, "sorry sir, we only serve kilos in here." I said, "Okay I'll have a pound of kilos."

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out". Man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "I don't like my neighbours".

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house". He said "I'm not stopping you".

I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

My wife dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk so I phoned the doctor and told him to drop round anytime, in a few weeks or a few months.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I said to the waiter “How long will my spaghetti be?” He said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”
When I play the accordion I always cry. It keeps pinching my stomach.

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians'.

I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions. 

I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.

I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

The plumber asked the woman where is the drip. She said: “He’s in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.”

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realize that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whiskey.”