Gateshead Mencap Society

Frogs are jumping up and down for these amphibian and reptile jokes

Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were short and green, they would be leprechauns.

What’s worse than an alligator chasing you?
Two alligators chasing you.

What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent!

Why shouldn’t you play cards with a alligator?
You could lose each hand.

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a bus full of terrapins,
It was a turtle disaster.

What do you say to a frog holding a genie’s lamp?
Rub it, rub it, rub it.

What was the name of the frog cowboy?
Hopalong Cassidy

What do you call an alligator who wears a vest?
An investigator.

Which year do frog’s like the most?
Leap year.

A man went to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back. When asked what he came as he replied “A tortoise, this is Michelle”

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss!

Where do frogs start their races?
From the tad pole position.

Did you hear about the baby snake who cried because he lost his rattle.

Which side of an alligator is the greenest?
The outside.

What do crocodiles wear on their feet?
Crocs.

What do frogs wear when sky diving?
Jumpsuits.

Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet
But most of them only have 4!

Why did the frog jump on the girl’s head?
Because her name was Lily.

What game do frog’s play when they’re outside?
Leapfrog.

Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s day?
Because they’re already wearing green.

.What do you say to a frog who asks for a lift?
Hop in.

What kind of music do frog’s listen to?
Hip hop.

What type of music do posh frogs listen to?
Hopera

A man walks into a bar with a little lizard on his shoulder.
The barman says "What's with the little lizard?"
The guy says "It's my newt."

What's an iguanas favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz.

When is a car like a frog?
When it’s being toad.

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator

What type of footwear do frogs wear during the summer?
Open toad shoes.

How do amphibians find lost friends?
With a frog horn.

What is a frog’s favourite flower?
A: Croak-us

What is a frog’s favourite drink?
Croak-a-cola.

Which type of frog has horns?
Bull frogs.

A tortoise was mugged by two snails.
He said "I don't know what happened. It all happened so fast!"

What did the turtle do when he won the race?
He shellebrated!

What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue”

Where do you get baby frogs?
From a spawn shop.

Why don't snakes wear glasses?
They don’t have any ears

Young snake asks his dad “Are we poisonous?”
“No, why?”
I’ve just bit my tongue”

Why are snakes always measured in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.

How do frogs stay cool during the summer?
By going in a tad pool.

What kind of snakes are found on cars?
Windscreen vipers

What do you call a snake that’s good a t arithmetic?
An adder

I'd tell you a joke about a fiery green lizard.
But it would drag-on

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar.
It was a normal day in Australia.

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?
The same middle name.

Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He burned it while trying to blow the candles out.

Two dragons walk into a bar
One said, "it's hot in here."
The other replies, "Well shut your mouth then."

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hedgehog.
Barbed wire