How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

I'll call you later.
Don't call me later, call me Dad.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Dad, can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tyred.

Would you like the milk in a bag? No, just leave it in the carton!

How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut. 

I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

Some people say they pick their nose, but I was just born with mine.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

You should always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's a salad dressing.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

Been out washing the car with my son. He said ‘Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A Can't opener.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

2 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard from him since.

Saturday and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trum-pet.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

That graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

There’s something in my eye. Looks like an eyeball!

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I am terrified of lifts. I take steps to avoid them.

I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

Why did the man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Did you hear the joke about pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy!

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no bell prize.

They are going to make a movie about clocks. It’s about time.

Sometimes, stairs get me down.

Did you hear about the teacher with a lazy eye? She couldn't’t control her pupils.

Why was the centipede dropped from the sports team? He took too long to put his trainers on.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something!

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they never get to meet.

I’m terrified of lifts. I take steps to avoid them.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why!

I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors; it's just something I could really see myself doing.

What is a wombat? Something you play a game of wom with.

My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to because she doesn’t have one.

Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Why do we put candles on the top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

I got hit in the head with a can of pop yesterday. Lucky for me, it was a soft drink.

What happens when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why don't you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? Because they're really good at it!

A man threw some cheese and milk at me. How dairy?

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked. Clever clogs.

What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish wagon.

How do you light up a football stadium?
With a football match.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their children were nothing to look at.

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

A ghost walks into a bar. The landlady says: “Sorry we don’t serve spirits”

I went to the shop to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.

A man offered me a free sofa and chairs. I said no because my mum always said don't take suites from strangers

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics but I only got bronze.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You’re too young to smoke.

Why did the wedding cake need a tissue?
Because it was in tiers.

Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It’s the only way to get your feet in

I went for an interview. They said, ‘Can you perform under pressure?’ I said ‘I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody’.

When the wife finds out I have replaced our bed with a trampoline… She’s going to hit the roof.

My wife said i never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

Today, my son asked, ‘Can I have a bookmark?’ and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is John.

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure.

I want to go on a diet but I have too much on my plate right now.

Two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.

Why can’t cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband."

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He wanted to be a millionaire too

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? Add spring water.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

What's black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
The barman said, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Justin Bieber CD and now it’s fine.

What do you call a witch who lives in the desert? A sand witch.

I just got hired by a company that makes bicycle wheels!
I’m the new spokesperson.

Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes. He really gets a kick out of it.

I have a pen that can write underwater, but it can write other words too.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.

You know what makes me throw up?
A dartboard on the ceiling.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "Mum and I will go to pick up our new glasses. And then we’ll see".

The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I will avoid it for the time being. There will be queues around the blocks.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
I said, “You’ve given me one too many.”
He said “That one is a freebie.”

My girlfriend said to me, "I know you've been
cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-
llantysiliogogogoch."
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him. He just can’t part with it.

The other day I bought a dictionary, but all the pages were blank. I can’t find the words to say how angry I am.

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I asked: “What type is it? “
He said: “‘Half past two.”

My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them. I said, “You’ll come round eventually.”

What do you call a man who pours drinks? Phil.

An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees.
I said “Very little.”

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

What do you call a belt made of £20 notes? A waist of money.

I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage. When I asked the keeper why, he said it was “bread in captivity.”

Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

Why do bananas need sunscreen?
Because they peel.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

A policeman caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

The only thing worse than having diarrhoea is having to spell it.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5000 miles.

I’m reading a book about glue.
I can’t put it down.

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavour crisps. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

I asked my dad for his best dad joke.
He said, “You.”

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shiatsu.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "how do I get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You are on the other side!"

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Someone broke into the police station and stole the toilet. The police have nothing to go on.

I have a fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

My ex-wife still misses me but her aim is getting better.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Why does peter pan always fly?
Because he Neverlands.

Did you hear about the gym that closed down because it just didn’t work out?

I just found out that I'm colour blind. The news came completely out of the green!

Why do ballerinas wear tutus?
The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big

What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.

Why did the strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam.

A man was injured today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame.

My friend gave me some sugar for my birthday. That was sweet.

What’s the best way to make antifreeze?
Just steal her blanket!

Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.