How
does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
I'll
call you later.
Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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How many
apples grow on a tree?
All of them
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The shovel
was a ground-breaking invention
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Dad,
can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Why
don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have
no body to go with.
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Dad,
can you put the cat out?
I
didn't know it was on fire.
Why
couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tyred.
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Would you
like the milk in a bag? No, just leave it in the carton!
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How do you
get a squirrel to like you?
Act
like a nut.
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I
would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.
I
wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
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Why
do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're
so good at it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke
up.
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Some people
say they pick their nose, but I was just born with mine.
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I don't
trust stairs. They're always up to something.
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How
can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all
girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.
What
do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
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Why
can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
This
graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
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You should
always knock on the fridge before opening it just in case there's
a salad dressing.
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I decided
to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!
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What time
did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
Why are
spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
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Been out
washing the car with my son. He said ‘Dad why don’t
you use a sponge like the other dads.
Which
is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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What do
you call a can opener that doesn't work? A Can't opener.
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What's red
and bad for your teeth? A brick.
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2
years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard
from him since.
Saturday
and Sunday are strong days because the others are just weekdays.
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I
had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back
since.
I know a
lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.
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You know
what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trum-pet.
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Dad, did
you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
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What do
you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
That graveyard
looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
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What do
you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What is
the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
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Can I watch
the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
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Why
don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up. |
Did you
hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
There’s
something in my eye. Looks like an eyeball!
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I keep trying
to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I am terrified
of lifts. I take steps to avoid them.
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I’m
so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
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Why do crabs
never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
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My boss
told me to have a good day. So I went home!
Why did
the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
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Why did the
man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
I slept like
a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace. |

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Did you
hear the joke about pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy!
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What’s
the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in
Abu Dhabi doooo. |
The
guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no bell prize.
They are going to make a movie about clocks. It’s about
time.
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Sometimes,
stairs get me down.
Did you
hear about the teacher with a lazy eye? She couldn't’t
control her pupils.
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Why
was the centipede dropped from the sports team? He took too long
to put his trainers on. |
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I can’t
believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was
take a day off.
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What did
one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something!
Parallel
lines have so much in common. It's a shame they never get to
meet.
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I’m
terrified of lifts. I take steps to avoid them.
I’m
only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t
know why!
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I
used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it. |
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I think
I would like a job cleaning mirrors; it's just something I could
really see myself doing.
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What is
a wombat? Something you play a game of wom with.
My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to because she
doesn’t have one.
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Do you know
how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
I forgot
how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
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Why
do we put candles on the top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
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I got hit
in the head with a can of pop yesterday. Lucky for me, it was
a soft drink.
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What happens
when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why don't
you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? Because they're
really good at it!
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A man threw
some cheese and milk at me. How dairy?
Did you
know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
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A Dutchman
has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
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What has
four wheels and flies? A rubbish wagon.
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How do you
light up a football stadium?
With a football match.
The Invisible
Man married the Invisible Woman. Their children were nothing
to look at.
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I once bought
a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a
bolt for the door.
A ghost
walks into a bar. The landlady says: “Sorry we don’t
serve spirits”
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I
went to the shop to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home,
I realised I’d only picked seven up. |
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A man offered
me a free sofa and chairs. I said no because my mum always said
don't take suites from strangers
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Most people
are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
What gets
wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
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I took part
in the sun-tanning Olympics but I only got bronze.
What did
the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You’re too young to smoke.
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Why did
the wedding cake need a tissue?
Because it was in tiers.
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Why did
the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
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Why did
the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
Why should
you buy socks with holes in them? It’s the only way to
get your feet in
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I went for
an interview. They said, ‘Can you perform under pressure?’
I said ‘I’m not sure about that but I can have a
good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody’.
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When
the wife finds out I have replaced our bed with a trampoline…
She’s going to hit the roof. |
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My wife
said i never buy her flowers.
I
didn’t even know she sold flowers.
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Today, my
son asked, ‘Can I have a bookmark?’ and I burst
into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my
name is John.
I used to
be indecisive but now I’m not sure.
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I want to
go on a diet but I have too much on my plate right now.
Two men
walked into a bar. The third man ducked.
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What
do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render. |
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What did
the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
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Why can’t
cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the
mouse around.
I called
the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I
do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No,
this is her husband."
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I would
like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He wanted to be
a millionaire too
How do you
make a waterbed more bouncy? Add spring water.
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A
guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community
swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. |
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What's black
and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
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A ham sandwich
walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
The barman said, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
Why did
the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself
doing it.
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I took my
car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Justin Bieber CD and now it’s fine.
What do
you call a witch who lives in the desert? A sand witch.
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I
just got hired by a company that makes bicycle wheels!
I’m the new spokesperson. |
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Are people
born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
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My doctor
friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to
check their reflexes. He really gets a kick out of it.
I have a
pen that can write underwater, but it can write other words
too.
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Guess who
I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.
You know
what makes me throw up?
A dartboard on the ceiling.
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I
asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "Mum and
I will go to pick up our new glasses. And then we’ll see". |
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The LEGO
shop reopens tomorrow but I will avoid it for the time being.
There will be queues around the blocks.
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I went into
a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted
out thirteen and handed them over.
I said, “You’ve given me one too many.”
He said “That
one is a freebie.”
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My girlfriend
said to me, "I know you've been
cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-
llantysiliogogogoch."
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
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My
friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a
comb with him. He just can’t part with it. |
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The other
day I bought a dictionary, but all the pages were blank. I can’t
find the words to say how angry I am.
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My
dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the
Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I asked: “What type is it? “
He said: “‘Half past two.” |
My wife
told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll
get stuck in them. I said, “You’ll come round eventually.”
What do
you call a man who pours drinks? Phil.
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An
old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees.
I said “Very little.” |
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My wife
asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried
to cook dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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What do
you call a belt made of £20 notes? A waist of money.
I went to
the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage. When
I asked the keeper why, he said it was “bread in captivity.”
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Last
night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily,
I was the one facing the TV.
Why
do bananas need sunscreen?
Because they peel.
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What’s
the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus. |
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There’s
a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
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A policeman
caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He
charged one and let the other one off.
The only
thing worse than having diarrhoea is having to spell it.
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If your
nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
What’s
the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5000 miles.
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I’m
reading a book about glue.
I can’t put it down. |
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A man walks
into a bar and orders helicopter flavour crisps. The barman
replies “sorry mate we only do plain”.
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Why do scuba
divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards
they’d still be in the boat.
I asked
my dad for his best dad joke.
He said, “You.”
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I went to
the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was
a shiatsu.
Two men
meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other,
"how do I get to the other side!" The other guy replies,
"You are on the other side!"
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If
you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas
get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open
it. |
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Someone
broke into the police station and stole the toilet. The police
have nothing to go on. |
I have a
fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.
How do you
cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
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My ex-wife
still misses me but her aim is getting better.
Two artists
had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Is it just
me or are magnets really attractive?
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Two
windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What
kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m
a big metal fan.” |
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Why
does peter pan always fly?
Because he Neverlands. |
Did you
hear about the gym that closed down because it just didn’t
work out?
I just found
out that I'm colour blind. The news came completely out of the
green!
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Why do ballerinas
wear tutus?
The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big
What did
the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
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Why
did the strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam.
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A
man was injured today when a pile of books fell on him. He only
had his shelf to blame. |
My friend
gave me some sugar for my birthday. That was sweet.
What’s
the best way to make antifreeze?
Just steal her blanket!
|
Thanks for
explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.
My room
mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils, but
that's a whisk i'm willing to take.
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I
used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot. |