Gateshead Mencap Society

History jokes - the old ones are the best

Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian’s Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
Who was the biggest thief in history?
Atlas, he held up the whole world!

Where did the pilgrims land when they went to America?
On their feet!

Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect!

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His wife!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren't listening the first time!

Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!

What was King Arthur's favourite game?
Knights and crosses!

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony!
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did they get to the mile?
How did Vikings communicate?
By norse code!

Teacher: When was Rome built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference!

What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut!
You've failed history again.
Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones!

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

Which King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate!

Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
He went fishing but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
When they had lots of sleepless knights!

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
William the Corn-curer!

Where did knights learn to kill dragons?
At knight school!
What is the fruitiest subject at school?
History, because it's full of dates!
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court!

Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince?
Old King Coal!

What was the first thing Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne?
Sat down!

I'm learning ancient history.
So am I, let’s talk over old times!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What is a Roman forum?
A Roman two-um plus two-um!
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because he was dead!

Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing!

Wish I had been born 1000 years ago.
Why is that?
Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always repeating herself!

What did the Sheriff of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?
That was an arrow escape!
Which famous Roman suffered from hay fever?
Julius Sneezer
Which historical figure was an expert on the springboard?
Lady Good-diver.

Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: The same middle name!

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can’t sit down.

Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him
Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?
It was too far to swim