Gateshead Mencap Society

Monkey jokes to make you go ape

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, it can't hear you!

If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.

What do you use to fix a broken ape?
A monkey wrench.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Ba-BOOM!

What do you say to an angry orangutan?
Nothing, you just run!

How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.

What do monkeys do for laughs?
They tell jokes about people.

What do you call a monkey with 8 legs?
A Spider Monkey!

What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.

What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

What do you call a monkey that wins every race?
A chimpion!

Where do chimps get their gossip?
On the ape vine!

Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.

What kind of monkey flies?
A hot air baboon!

What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.

What's an ape's favourite pop group?
Bananarama!

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

What kind of monkey flies?
A hot air baboon!
How do you make a green orangutan?
Cross a blue one with a yellow one!

Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.

Mummy, Mummy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!"
"Shut up and comb your face!"

What did the banana say to the orangutan?
Nothing, bananas don't talk!
What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A gorilla with a machine gun
When is the best time to see gorillas in the wild?
In Ape-ril (April)!

What do monkeys wear when they are cooking?
Ape-rons!

What kind of a key opens a banana?
A monkey!

If you throw a monkey into Lake Windermere what will it become?
Wet!

What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!

What is a chimp's favourite Christmas carol?
Jungle Bells

How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
Tell it an elephant joke!

Why did King Kong climb the Empire State building?
Because he couldn’t fit in the elevator!

What do you do with a blue monkey?
Cheer it up!

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana!

What is sweet smelling, but cheeky?
A chim-pansy!!
Where does a 20 stone gorilla sit?
Anywhere he wants.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.

Why do monkeys get paid less than minimum wage?
Because they work for peanuts!

What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?
I don’t know but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!

What do you call an ape who likes lemon pies?
Meringue Utan!

Why do waiters like Gorillas more than flies?
Customers don’t complain about gorillas in their soup!
A baboon, a monkey, and a chicken were under an umbrella. Which one got wet?
None of them, it wasn’t raining!

What is a orangutan's favorite biscuit?
Chocolate chimp.

What did the monkey sing on Christmas day?
Jungle bells, Jungle bells…

What do you call a Monkey in a tree?
A Branch Manager

What do you call a monkey who loves chips?
A chipmunk

What do you call a gorilla with a million quid?
a gorillionaire
What sound does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong

What do you say to an ape who calls you on the phone?
Who-rang-utang?

Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy up a tree.

What do you call an ape that likes to barbecue?
A grilla.

My brother recently adopted a chimp
Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

What do you call six green apes?
A bunch of gr-apes!

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first two.

Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
They don’t have pockets.

What do you call a monkey that can’t keep a secret?
A blab-oon

Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey