|
Why do
birds fly south for New Year?
It’s too far to walk.
What grows
in a field on 1 January?
New year’s hay.
What does
a Ghost say on December 31st?
Happy boo year!
|
What
was the caterpillar’s New Year's resolution?
To turn over a new leaf.
|
Did you
hear about the man who thought about giving up drinking in the
New Year?
He gave up thinking.
Why do you
need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?
To ring in the new year.
My New Year's
resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look
skinnier
|
|
What
happened to the fireworks who were arrested on New Year’s
Eve?
They were let off
|
|
What is
corn’s favourite day of the year?
New Ear’s Day.
What do
Zombies say on December 31st?
Happy New Fear!
What’s
a New Year’s resolution?
A: A to-do list for the first week of January.
|
Did
you hear what
happened to the man who stole a calendar on New Year’s
Eve?
He got 12 months.
|
What is
a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
What do
you say to your friends on New Year’s Day?
I haven’t seen you since last year
|
|
What
do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.
|
|
My new year's
resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full
with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My New Year's
resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about
my New Year's resolutions
|
What
did the little champagne bottle call his dad?
Pop!
|
My resolution
was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.
At the beginning
of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.
Only 15 more to go!
|
|
I
raised my left leg before Big Ben chimed so I could start the
New Year off on the right foot.
|
Your funny Valentine's jokes |
|
Why did
the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.
Do you have
a date for Valentine's day?
Yes, February 14th.
Did Adam
and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple!
|
|
What
did the flame say to his friends after he fell in love?
"I found the perfect match!"
|
Did you
hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring!
What did
the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
|
|
"I
love you."
"Is that you or the wine talking?"
"It's me talking to the wine."
|
|
What is
a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
How can
you tell when a squirrel is in love?
It goes nuts!"
What did
the calculator say to the pencil?
You can count on me.
|
Did you
hear about the short-sighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pin cushion!
|
How did
the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
He gave her a ring.
What kind
of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
Cauliflowers!
|
|
Did
you hear about the man with a broken leg?
He had a crutch on his nurse.
|
|
What did
the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp?
Stick
with me and you’ll go places!
What did
the chef give his Valentine?
A
hug and a quiche!
What do
you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
|
What
did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.
|
You
won't have egg on your face with these Easter jokes
|
What do
you get when you push an Easter egg down a hill?
A spring roll.
What do
you get if you cross a bee and the Easter bunny?
A honey bunny.
|
|
Why
do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them.
|
|
What do
you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
What kind
of jewellery does the Easter Bunny wear?
14 carrot gold.
|
How
do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
|
Why shouldn’t
you tell an Easter Egg a joke?
It might crack up.
How does
the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg-xercise.
What kind
of bunny can’t hop?
A chocolate one.
|
|
How
many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one – after that it’s not empty.
|
|
What did
one Easter egg say to the other?
Heard any good yolks today?
Why did
the Easter Bunny cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
How does
the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Hare-robics.
|
What
does the Easter bunny do in the rain?
Get wet. |
What is
Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?
Hip-hop!
What is
the Easter Bunny's favoutite game?
Hopscotch.
What do
you call an Easter Egg from Outer space?
An egg-stra-terrestrial.
|
|
How
does an Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good?
Hare spray.
|
Spooky
Halloween jokes
|
|
Who did
Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
His ghoul friend.
What do
birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet.
Where does
Dracula keep his money?
In a blood bank.
|
What
do mummies listen to on Halloween?
Wrap music. |
Why don’t
skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no-body to go with.
Why do demons
and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What’s
a ghost’s favourite dessert?
I scream.
|
|
How
do you make a skeleton laugh?
You tickle his funny bone!
|
|
Mummy, everyone
says I look like a werewolf.
Shut up and comb your face.
Where do
baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centres.
What does
a vampire fear the most?
Tooth decay.
|
Which
Halloween monster is good at maths?
Count Dracula.
|
Who does
Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.
How are
vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
The problem
with twin witches is you never know which witch is which.
|
|
Why
are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them. |
|
Who does
Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.
How are
vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
The problem
with twin witches is you never know which witch is which.
|
What
is a witch’s favourite lesson?
Spelling.
|
Where do
ghosts like to go on holiday?
The Dead Sea!
What do
you call two witches sharing a flat.
Broommates.
Why couldn’t
Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
|
|
How does
a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap!
|
These Bonfire Night jokes are banging |
|
How many
tax-paying, law-abiding men in Gateshead does it take to light
a bonfire?
Both of them.
A pyrotechnic
expert friend of mine lost his job after the fireworks didn’t
go off in the right sequence.
That’s bang out of order.
|
How
come one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes
a whole box to light a bonfire?
|
How many
safety inspectors does it take to light the bonfire?
Four. One to light the match and three to hold the fire extinguisher
How many
civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes?
Twenty-three. One to strike the match and twenty two to fill
in the paper work.
|
|
What
do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a firework?
Dinomite!
|
|
Bought some
rocket salad the other day.
It went off before I could eat it.
I’m
good at firework displays.
I’ve got a flare for it.
It’s
not hard to appreciate fireworks.
It’s not rocket science.
|
What
is a firework’s favourite food?
Bangers and mash.
|
What do
you call a duck who likes watching fireworks?
A firequacker
Neighbours
told me to bring bangers and rocket to their firework party.
My sausage and peppery lettuce sandwiches didn’t go down
well.
|
|
A
battery and a firework were arrested.
One was charged and the other was let off.
|
|
I launched
my own clothing line this week. I knew I shouldn’t have
lit the fireworks near the washing.
They say
that you should never go back to a firework once lit.
Our garden has been out of bounds since 1990.
|
I
got my friend a gigantic rocket this year.
He’s over the moon.
|
How many
aerospace engineers does it take to set fire to your Guy Fawkes
night celebrations?
None. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to light
a bonfire.
What's the
best salad to serve on Guy Fawkes' Night?
Rocket!
|
|
Why
should you never watch fireworks on the TV?
Because it’s a dangerous place to light them.
|
These
jokes are Christmas Crackers |
|
What’s
the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular
alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
How did
Mary and Joseph know how heavy Jesus was when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.
|
Why
are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles! |
What says
'Oh Oh Oh'?
Santa walking backwards.
What’s
a dog’s favourite Christmas carol?
Bark, The Herald Angels Sing.
What is
Santa’s favourite pizza?
Deep-pan, crisp and even.
|
|
Who
beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas
cake?
Tarzipan.
|
|
Why are
Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
Why did
no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
|
What
happens to elves when they are naughty?
Santa gives them the sack.
|
What did
Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
What do
you use to drain your Christmas Brussels sprouts?
An Advent colander.
|
|
What
do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.
|
|
What do
you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games
in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why is it
getting more difficult to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered.
|
What
did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places. |
What do
lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.
What’s
the best Christmas Present?
A broken drum - you can't beat it.
Why did
Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
He wanted to see time fly!
|
|
Who
hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy. |
|
What is
a librarians favourite Christmas song?
Silent Night
How did
Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What do
you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
|
What
do you call an elf that can sing and dance?
Elfis.
|