Gateshead Mencap Society

Whatever the occasion we have a joke for you
Jokes to start your New Year

Why do birds fly south for New Year?
It’s too far to walk.

What grows in a field on 1 January?
New year’s hay.

What does a Ghost say on December 31st?
Happy boo year!

What was the caterpillar’s New Year's resolution?
To turn over a new leaf.

Did you hear about the man who thought about giving up drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.

Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?
To ring in the new year.

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier

What happened to the fireworks who were arrested on New Year’s Eve?
They were let off

What is corn’s favourite day of the year?
New Ear’s Day.

What do Zombies say on December 31st?
Happy New Fear!

What’s a New Year’s resolution?
A: A to-do list for the first week of January.

Did you hear what happened to the man who stole a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
He got 12 months.

What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.

What do you say to your friends on New Year’s Day?
I haven’t seen you since last year

What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions

What did the little champagne bottle call his dad?

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.
Only 15 more to go!

I raised my left leg before Big Ben chimed so I could start the New Year off on the right foot.
Your funny Valentine's jokes

Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.

Do you have a date for Valentine's day?
Yes, February 14th.

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple!

What did the flame say to his friends after he fell in love?
"I found the perfect match!"

Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

"I love you."
"Is that you or the wine talking?"
"It's me talking to the wine."

What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

How can you tell when a squirrel is in love?
It goes nuts!"

What did the calculator say to the pencil?
You can count on me.

Did you hear about the short-sighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pin cushion!

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
He gave her a ring.

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?

Did you hear about the man with a broken leg?
He had a crutch on his nurse.

What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and you’ll go places!

What did the chef give his Valentine?
A hug and a quiche!

What do you call two birds in love?

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.

You won't have egg on your face with these Easter jokes

What do you get when you push an Easter egg down a hill?
A spring roll.

What do you get if you cross a bee and the Easter bunny?
A honey bunny.

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them.

What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.

What kind of jewellery does the Easter Bunny wear?
14 carrot gold.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter Egg a joke?
It might crack up.

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

What kind of bunny can’t hop?
A chocolate one.

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one – after that it’s not empty.

What did one Easter egg say to the other?
Heard any good yolks today?

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

What does the Easter bunny do in the rain?
Get wet.

What is Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?

What is the Easter Bunny's favoutite game?

What do you call an Easter Egg from Outer space?
An egg-stra-terrestrial.

How does an Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good?
Hare spray.
Spooky Halloween jokes

Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
His ghoul friend.

What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet.

Where does Dracula keep his money?
In a blood bank.

What do mummies listen to on Halloween?
Wrap music.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no-body to go with.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

What’s a ghost’s favourite dessert?
I scream.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?
You tickle his funny bone!

Mummy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.
Shut up and comb your face.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centres.

What does a vampire fear the most?
Tooth decay.

Which Halloween monster is good at maths?
Count Dracula.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

How are vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.

The problem with twin witches is you never know which witch is which.

Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

How are vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.

The problem with twin witches is you never know which witch is which.

What is a witch’s favourite lesson?

Where do ghosts like to go on holiday?
The Dead Sea!

What do you call two witches sharing a flat.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap!

These Bonfire Night jokes are banging

How many tax-paying, law-abiding men in Gateshead does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.

A pyrotechnic expert friend of mine lost his job after the fireworks didn’t go off in the right sequence.
That’s bang out of order.

How come one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to light a bonfire?

How many safety inspectors does it take to light the bonfire?
Four. One to light the match and three to hold the fire extinguisher

How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes?
Twenty-three. One to strike the match and twenty two to fill in the paper work.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a firework?

Bought some rocket salad the other day.
It went off before I could eat it.

I’m good at firework displays.
I’ve got a flare for it.

It’s not hard to appreciate fireworks.
It’s not rocket science.

What is a firework’s favourite food?
Bangers and mash.

What do you call a duck who likes watching fireworks?
A firequacker

Neighbours told me to bring bangers and rocket to their firework party. My sausage and peppery lettuce sandwiches didn’t go down well.

A battery and a firework were arrested.
One was charged and the other was let off.

I launched my own clothing line this week. I knew I shouldn’t have lit the fireworks near the washing.

They say that you should never go back to a firework once lit.
Our garden has been out of bounds since 1990.

I got my friend a gigantic rocket this year.
He’s over the moon.

How many aerospace engineers does it take to set fire to your Guy Fawkes night celebrations?
None. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to light a bonfire.

What's the best salad to serve on Guy Fawkes' Night?

Why should you never watch fireworks on the TV?
Because it’s a dangerous place to light them.
These jokes are Christmas Crackers

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

How did Mary and Joseph know how heavy Jesus was when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'?
Santa walking backwards.

What’s a dog’s favourite Christmas carol?
Bark, The Herald Angels Sing.

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
Deep-pan, crisp and even.

Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
Because they are rain deer.

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!

What happens to elves when they are naughty?
Santa gives them the sack.

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.

What do you use to drain your Christmas Brussels sprouts?
An Advent colander.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Why is it getting more difficult to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered.

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.

What’s the best Christmas Present?
A broken drum - you can't beat it.

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
He wanted to see time fly!

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What is a librarians favourite Christmas song?
Silent Night

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.

What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?