Gateshead Mencap Society

Get connected with these telephone jokes.

How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr Onion Rings.

When doesn't a telephone work underwater?
When it's wringing wet!

A man came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire brigade and shouted, "Hurry, my house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"in your fire engine!"

Why is an engaged girl like a telephone?
Because they both have rings.

What kind of phone makes music?
A saxophone

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for half an hour, and then she hung up.
Her father said, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold.
Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!

Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance!
Okay, You're an ambulance!

Fell asleep on my smart phone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.

What do smart phones have for lunch?
Micro chips.

Why didn’t the skeleton have a mobile? He had no body to talk to.

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It’s chordless.

I can’t picture myself without a camera phone.

What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster?
A wake-up call!

How does a barber make phone calls?
He usually cuts them short.

Operator! Operator! I don’t know what’s wrong with my phone, but I can’t make long distance calls any longer!
Don’t worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!

What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.

What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy signal.

Finally! I got through to the zoo! I've been trying to call for hours!
Yes, all our lions were busy!

Who was that on the phone, Fred?
No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down!

What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? “Who said talk is cheap?”

When doesn’t a telephone work underwater? When it’s wringing wet!

What did the pay phone say when the 10p got stuck inside it?
Money's tight these days!

What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A smooth operator!

What is the telephone’s favorite TV show?
Game of Phones!

Why do people still have land lines?
To find their mobile phone when it goes missing!

I got a new mobile phone for my wife...
It was a pretty good swap!

What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!

Why was the phone wearing glasses?
He lost his contacts!

Left my phone under my pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin there. I think it was the Bluetooth fairy.

Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!

Why do birds never make phone calls?
Because they might wing the wrong number!

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

What kind of trees are telegraph poles made from?
Tall ones

Got a new phone today.
My old one failed the swimming test

Did you hear about the guy who deleted all the Germanic contacts from his mobile phone?
He wanted it to be Hans-Free.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television. 2) Telephone. 3) Telawoman.

The telephone is an instrument that lets us talk to people we don’t want to meet.

Which animals spend the most time on the phone?
Yakkity Yaks.

My smart phone is now all I need to organize events in my life
My calendar's days are numbered.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

Sorry I didn't pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ring tone.

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. 'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."

A man walks into work with both ears bandaged. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.
The boss says, "Well, what happened to your other ear?"
He said, “I had to call the doctor”.