Gateshead Mencap Society

Here are some jokes about poeple and places around the world.
We will start with our friends down under with Australian jokes.
A man walks into an Australian pet shop and asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate?"
The bloke replies, "outback."
An Englishman goes through Australian immigration, the officer asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The Englishman replies "Is that still a requirement?"

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer
It tasted O.K. but it was too hoppy for me.

What did the mother kangaroo say when she realized her baby was missing?
Someone picked my pocket.

A koala bear applied for a job at an office
He had amazing koalifications.
The boomerang is Australia's biggest export.
...and import.
An Australian calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
He replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
An Australian bought a new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one.

What do you call a penguin in the Australian outback?
Lost.

What do you call a boomerang that won't,come back?
A stick

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip Hop

I was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

A spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar.
It was a normal day in Australia.

Why did the emu cross the road
To prove it wasn't a chicken.

What do you call an Extraterrestrial from Melbourne?
An Austr-alien.
Then over to the orient with these Chinese jokes

A Chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"
He replies: "I am not your dad"

Did you hear about the new oriental chocolate bar?
Its a Chinese Wispa.

Which is the odd one out, 12 15 32 or 47?
32, all the others are with boiled rice.

What do you call a Chinese receptionist?
Tai Ping.

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes, Riceless.

What do you call a Chinese person who gets on your nerves?
Anno Ying.

Did you hear about the Chinese rapper?
He was called Vanilla Rice.

What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
Cha Ching!

What do you call a Chinese crab?
A Crust-Asian
What do you call a Chinese man with a microwave on his head?
Ping!

What do you call a surprised Chinese man?
Ho Lee Mo Lee.

How Hi is a Chinese man and So Lo is his brother.

Next, over the channel for some French jokes
What sport is played by angry French people?
Lacrosse
French Fries aren't cooked in France.
They're cooked in Greece.

What does the best man at a French wedding do?
Makes French Toast.

What do you call your angry French auntie?
A crossaunt

Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They are the ones who discovered they could eat snails.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?
Because in France one egg is un oeuf.
What would The Proclaimers do if they were French?
They would walk 804.7 kilometres

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Philippe Phillop

The lady cleaning people’s houses in exchange for French paintings works hard for the Monet.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What would you call the Eiffel Tower if it fell over?
The I Fell Tower
Next, we stay in Europe with some German jokes

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when got a role in a movie as a German composer?
“I’ll be Bach”

What did the German boy say to his mother when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
Look Ma, no Hans!

What's a German's favourite number?
Nein!

A man asks the athlete "Are you a pole vaulter?". He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.
It’s Hans free.
Why do German football players do so well in maths?
They know how to use their heads.

What did the German goose say to his pal?
Goosen tag.

What's the thinnest book in the world?
The German Humour book.

My new neighbour is a grumpy German.
I guess you could call him a sour Kraut.

I‘m developing a phobia of German sausage
I fear the wurst.

Still in Europe and down to the Mediterranean with some Italian jokes
My Mum thinks I’m an idiot because I’m building my own car out of spaghetti.
She won’t be laughing when I drive pasta!
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating spaghetti?
Pasta la vista, baby

How do you make an Italian shut up?
Tie their hands together.

Where do pepperonis go on holiday?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

What is an Italians favourite tea?
Spaghetea.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta away

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.
I said, “Don’t be Sicily.”

What do you get if you cross pasta and a snake?
Spaghetti that wraps itself around the fork.

What do you call a Roman with a cold?
Julius Sneezer

Customer: How long will my spaghetti be?
Waiter: I don't know. I'll have to measure it.
Still on the Mediterranean with some Spanish jokes
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY
What do you call a Spaniard who lost his car?
Carlos!

What do Spaniards put under their carpets?Underlay, underlay!

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
Roberto

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
What do you call a Spanish girl with one tooth?
Juanita.

If you see a Spanish person tell them "mucho"
It means a lot to them

Did you know its illegal to have a ballpoint pen in Spain?
That's the Spanish ink-position.

What do you call a Spanish person's favourite breed of dog?
A Cocker Español

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Where can you always find happy cats?
The Canary Islands

What bus went from Spain to America
Columbus

Why shouldn't you have pets in Spain?
Because you can't leave your Catalonia.
Did you hear about the two Spanish Fire Fighters?
They were called Hose A and Hose B.
Now some more jokes from other European countries
How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2?
Norse code
My neighbour is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down.
I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

If a woman from Iceland and a Cuban man marry and have children, will the children be ice cubes?

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
There's a country in Europe where they don't accept cash, visa card or contactless.
It’s the Cheque Republic.

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?
A Nor-vegan!

Want to hear a Scandinavian joke?
Never mind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.


Nothing beats the Swedish summer...
it's simply the best day of the year.
How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill.

I read that the Icelandic alphabet doesn't have a 'Z' in it.
How do they sleep at night?

How do you win a Scandinavian race?
By crossing the Finnish line!

Did you hear about the shop that sold Dutch cheese and doughnuts?
It’s a hole food shop.
I have a European friend who likes to play chess.
Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate.
And a few jokes from South America

How many people live in South America?
At least one Brazillion
What do you call a girl from South American who is always in a hurry?
URGENT-TINA.
Argentina is surprisingly cold...It’s bordering on Chile.

What is the biscuit capitol of Brazil?
Oreo di Janiero.

So you're telling me that you're from the 5th largest country in South America?
I don't Bolivia
What do you call someone who thinks they are the capital of Venezuela?
Caracas
Finally, we compiled a list of U.S.A. Jokes. You won't like them!

They are so awful we decided not to let you see them.
Nobody has anything good to say about the United States of America just now and most of the jokes are about the bad things going on there.
If you are sure you want to see them you can press the button below but don't say you haven't been warned.
If you are absolutely sure you want to see the U.S.A. jokes press the button